Fashionably Ill
by aggressively writes
Summary: When Kurt comes down with the flu, all is not well in the Hummel-Hudson household. From Kurt's strange delirium to his eventual tyrannical attitude, Finn's nightmare has just begun. Klaine. Finchel. Furt friendship. Brittana. Tike. Artina.
1. The Beginning of a Nightmare

**A/N: **Ugh. I'm sick. Gross. This little idea came into my head while laying sick in bed. (Omg! That rhymes!) I originally typed this on my iPod an hour ago while I was laying sick in bed. This will be a multi-chapter story.

There shall be Klaine, Finchel, Artina, Tike, Brittana, Bartie, Samtana, Fabrevans, Quick, Puckerzizes (Idk what you'd call them. They could be called Luck! that sounds pretty cool!), Puckleberry, Fuinn and other stuff. There shall be love triangles, or quadrangales (Squares? Is that what those shapes are called?) Maybe even pentangles (Pentagons of love? Maybe...). Heck, maybe even some crack pairings! Who knows? There could be some Kurt/Desk Lamp action. We shall see!

And most importantly...

FURT BROTHERLY GOODNESS!

And this story takes place when Kurt is back at McKinley. Except, if he's sick he wouldn't really be at McKinley now, would he?

Also, to any readers of my other stories: "Whether He Likes It or Not" or "New Beginnings", they will be updated sometime this week.

Please review and I am proud to present the first chapter of "Fashionably Ill" :) I hope you enjoy.

**Your Friendly Neighborhood Disclaimer: **I do not own Glee. I'm pretty sure I don't. I think all that stuff belongs to Ryan Murphy.

* * *

**The Beginning of a Nightmare**

"Ugh." Kurt Hummel groaned as he clutched his stomach with both hands. He carefully got off of his bed. He tried walking over to his vanity. (Yes, Kurt has a vanity. Which Finn sometimes referred to it as "Kurt's _MANity_"). With every step Kurt took, his legs would shake.

As he approached the chair, he became weaker and out of breath. There was sweat on his forehead too. Kurt's vanity was only a few steps away from his bed. Yet, Kurt looked and felt as if he had run a marathon.

The boy felt very weak. Shaking as he held onto the side of the vanity. His hands were sweaty, his grip slipped.

Hyperventilating, Kurt's blue-green eyes rolled to the back of his head. He collapsed onto the white carpeted floor.

* * *

A tired Finn Hudson walked across the hall from his bedroom. He had a navy blue comforter wrapped around himself.

Finn approached the door of his stepbrother's bedroom. Taking his right hand out of the blanket, he knocked on the door.

No answer.

Finn knocked again. In a tired voice he asked, "Kurt?"

No answer.

Finn wondered what that crashing noise was. The noise woke him up just minutes ago. Was Kurt alright?

Finn tried turning the little gold doorknob.

Locked.

There was a key above the door. Finn could use that to get inside. Kurt hated having his privacy invaded, but Finn wanted to make sure his brother was alright.

This was where being a 6'3" giant was an advantage. Finn didn't even have to stand on his tiptoes to reach, all he did was reach his long arm to the top of the door. He grasped the tiny key and brought it down.

Finn inserted the key into the tiny hole on the doorknob. With a few twists, turns and jimmies of the key, Finn actually managed to unlock the door.

He turned the knob and slowly opened the door.

"Kurt?" Finn asked, "Sorry for like invading your space and stuff but I—HOLY CRAP!"

Finn saw his shirtless stepbrother lying on the ground. He knew something was wrong. Kurt didn't sleep on the floor, unless in a sleeping bag or something.

Finn kneeled down to Kurt's level. He began poking Kurt's side.

"Kurt?" Finn asked, as he poked, "Kurt?"

No answer.

Finn started shaking Kurt's shoulder. "Kurt? Are you alright? Kurt?"

Kurt began to stir.

"Thank God." Finn sighed.

"Blaine…" Kurt slurred with a tired voice.

"No this is Finn."

"Wait till after dinner, Blaine." Kurt slurred, "Then we can."

A confused expression appeared on Finn's face.

"Do what?"

"Stuff…"

Finn had a pretty good idea of what _"stuff" _was. He began to shake his brother.

Kurt's eyes began to open. "Finn?" he asked with a raspy voice. His tired voice then became more of an angry choke. "Finn! What are you doing in my room?"

"Were you having _dreams_ about Blaine?" Finn sounded concerned.

"What?" Kurt's voice sounded hoarse, "Why do you need to know? And you didn't answer my question!"

"Just a few minutes ago you said Blaine's name and asked him to do _"stuff". _And I have a pretty good idea of what _"stuff" _is."

Kurt rolled his eyes, "Jeez, Finn. You're almost as bad as my dad." He then coughed.

"You look really pale."

"I know Finn, it's my natural complexion. Why do you think Coach Sylvester calls me Porcelain?"

"Dude, you're like whiter than usual. Did you die? Are you like a vampire or a ghost or something?"

Kurt rolled his eyes and coughed. He shivered and grabbed the comforter away from Finn. He wrapped it around himself.

"It's freezing in here!" He hoarsely shouted.

"Vampires are cold."

"I'm not a vampire Finn!"

"Denial…"

"Idiot." Kurt groaned under his breath.

"Dude?" Finn asked, "If you're so cold, then why are you sweating?"

Kurt shrugged.

Finn then placed the back of his hand on Kurt's pale forehead.

Kurt looked awkward and confused, "What are you doing?"

"My mom always does this when I don't feel good." Finn answered, "Dude, you're like burning up. Come on." Finn reached his hand out to the smaller boy.

Kurt grabbed Finn's arm and slowly stood up. "Where are we going?"

"Downstairs. I think we have one of those thingies that take your temperature."

"They're called thermometers, Finn."

"I knew that."

Finn began to open the door. Kurt followed. His legs were wobbling. He quickly grabbed onto Finn's arm for balance.

"S-Sorry." Kurt stuttered.

"S'alright." Finn calmly answered. He knew Kurt wasn't feeling well and didn't grab onto him intentionally.

The brothers began walking down the hallway. Kurt held onto Finn's shirt for balance. They approached the staircase.

Kurt, wide-eyed, looked down. His vision was blurred. "I never knew I could loathe stairs this much."

"Just hold onto the railing."

Kurt nodded. He grabbed onto the banister. He carefully stepped down the staircase, wobbling with each step he took.

After the final step, Kurt quickly grabbed the sleeve of Finn's T-Shirt, keeping his balance.

* * *

The two made their way into the kitchen.

Carole Hummel-Hudson stood at the granite countertop. She appeared to be looking for her car keys.

"Mom?" Finn asked, "Where's Burt?"

Not looking back, she answered her son, "He left for work about fifteen minutes ago. Why do you ask?"

Finn shrugged. "No reason." Kurt gripped tighter to the sleeve.

Carole turned her head. She saw her stepson hanging onto the sleeve of her son's shirt for dear life. He looked terrible.

"Kurt!" Carole gasped, "Sweetie, are you okay?"

"M'fine." Kurt lied.

Carole opened a cabinet and began to look through it. She then pulled out an ear-thermometer. "Honey, sit down. Let me take your temperature."

"Carole," Kurt protested, "I'm fine. I have a date with Blaine tonight, and Mercedes and I were going to go shopping and—" Kurt was cut off by Carole.

"Sit down." There was a stern tone in her voice.

Kurt nodded and walked, well, it was more like wobbled, over to one of the chairs that sat at the small kitchen table. He sat down.

Carole then shoved the thermometer into Kurt's ear. He really hoped that Carole had replaced the cover. It was nauseating thinking about other people's earwax in his own ear.

Carole pulled the thermometer out of Kurt's ear. "One-hundred and one point two." Carole read the thermometer, "You have a fever. I'm afraid you're going to have to cancel with Blaine and Mercedes. They'll understand."

Kurt sighed.

"Honey, what are your symptoms?"

Kurt hoarsely spoke, "My throat hurts. I ache everywhere. And I feel freezing cold. I also feel like I'm going to puke my guts out."

"Just as I thought." Carole said, "You have the flu."

Kurt sighed.

"I'll just call work and tell them I can't come in today."

"No!" Finn shouted. He remembered that a few months ago his mom had to take a little over a week off of work because he had mono. It was time to repay her. "Mom, you don't need to call. I'll stay and take care of Kurt. Today's a teacher's conference thingy so we have off from school anyway."

"Are you sure?" Carole asked, "Because I don't have a problem with taking off."

"Positive."

"You've had your flu shot, right?"

Finn nodded, "Coach Bieste made us all get ours."

"Kurt? Are you okay with Finn taking care of you?"

Kurt was a bit delirious, so he didn't really know what was going on. "Sure. Whatever. As long as he doesn't make me eat a Sausage McMuffin and waters the palm trees, I'm fine."

Finn looked confused. He's never forced Kurt to eat a Sausage McMuffin. He was also pretty sure that palm trees didn't grow in Ohio.

"Okay." Carole sighed. "Feel better, Sweetie." She grabbed her car keys and walked out of the kitchen. "Goodbye boys."

"Bye Mom." Finn walked over to Kurt. "Dude, I think you should go lay down or something. Can you make it up the stairs?"

"Why are you so tall?" Kurt asked, his delirium began to take over. "Are you a giant?"

Finn chuckled, "I guess that's a no." He lifted Kurt from the chair and slung him over his shoulder.

"This is just like flying!" Kurt gasped.

"Mmm…hmm…" Finn began to walk up the staircase.

"Finn?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you a shark?"

"What?"

"Are you a shark?"

"Am I a shark?"

"Yeah."

"I don't get it."

Kurt began to explain, "Brittany says that dolphins are just gay sharks. If I'm a dolphin, would that make you a shark? Or would you be a whale, because you're so tall?"

Finn laughed.

Little did he know, the nightmare had only begun.

* * *

**A/N: **Gahhh…. I feel like crap. I feel almost exactly like Kurt does. Except I'm not delirious…..at least I don't think I am…..WAIT! Why is that rainbow winged pig digging up flowers from my backyard? HE SHOULD BE SEARCHING FOR TRUFFLES! Not flowers! Everyone knows that! Am I right? Pigs clearly dig up truffles! Chocolate truffles I hope! Wait...do would he dig up the dark chocolate or milk chocolate kind? I don't really mind either, I'm just wondering.

Anyways, reviews are very motivational. Please review :) Reviewers are awesome! And thanks you so much for reading the first chapter.


	2. Phonecalls and Imaginary Objects

**A/N**: It turns out that I actually have the flu. I'm not amused at that. I've been out sick for three days so far and now I actually wish I was back at school. Even though school means the dreaded first period Algebra class. I hate Algebra.

Also, if I didn't get sick I would never have gotten the idea for this story. I guess it's a win-lose thing. My pain brings people joy.

Well, whatevers. I want to thank my reviewers. I would thank the alerters and favers but something weird is with my email and FF won't send me alerts of faves, reviews, or story alerts. Do any of you guys have that problem too?

Anyways, thank you to: **Ampria, kutoki, Fly Away Dreams, smileyface1627, Eileen, Accio Double Stuff, A person, Less than three, Lo, ShamWOOHOO, SciFiMom2000, Me, Too Lazy to log in, Klainebows and Butterflies, and Someone Over the Rainbow. **You guys are awesome! Totally Awesome! Magi-COOL! AH FREAKING MAZING!

Here is ze chapter deux! Please review! Reviews are like crack to me! Reviews are motivational! Review please! :D

* * *

**Phone Calls and Imaginary Objects**

Finn dropped his brother down on his bed.

"Ow!" Kurt yelled, "Watch it!"

"Sorry."

Kurt began to violently cough. If you weren't in the room with him, you would've thought that sound came from a long time smoker. "Could you get me something for this cough?" He managed to choke out.

"Sure thing, bro." Finn walked out of Kurt's bedroom.

Kurt reached for his iPhone. He began to text Mercedes.

_"Can't shop today." _He pressed send.

Kurt's vision was blurred. He was seeing double of everything.

His phone began to buzz. Kurt picked it up and checked the message. It was from Mercedes.

_"Y"_

Kurt began to text back, but his vision was blurred. He meant to type "Sick." But he ended up typing, _"Slkjvck."_

His phone began to buzz. Another text from Mercedes.

_"Huh?"_

Kurt then texted, _"Ikm sgifjkl."_

His phone then began blaring "4 Minutes" by Madonna. He answered.

"Hello?" He spoke weakly into the phone's speaker.

_"Kurt?" _Mercedes spoke, _"You sound horrible. You okay?"_

Kurt began to cough. "Peachy." He spoke with sarcasm.

_"Don't you take that tone with me, White Boy!"_

"Sorry." He sighed, "I have the flu or something. You can go shopping without me today."

_"Not when you're feeling miserable. How 'bout I come over. Everything's better with me around."_

"I don't want to get you sick."

_"Don't worry about me. I'll be here soon." _Mercedes hung up.

"'Cedes!" Kurt shouted into the phone. His delirium started taking over again. "Mercedes! Where did you go! Mercedes Jones!" Kurt began to hyperventilate. His eyes widened. "Lawn gnomes! Everywhere!" He began backing up towards the wall.

The door opened. A tall figure walked in. "I got the—um—the—Robitussin? Yeah, I think that's what it says." Said the voice.

Kurt chucked a pillow at the figure. He began to scream. "Get away, Mr. Trebek! I don't want to play your sick, twisted mind games!" He threw another pillow.

"Dude? What's wrong with you?" The figure came closer.

"Don't touch me with your alien hands!" Kurt was screaming bloody murder. "I will not do the Daily Double! Get away!"

A swift smack was felt on Kurt's face. His porcelain cheek was now red. Kurt blinked. He then sighed, "Finn, it's just you. What just happened?"

"I don't really know." Finn handed the medicine bottle to the smaller boy, "But you were like a freaking ninja!" Finn then read the bottle of medication, "I don't really know how much you're supposed to take. Just take like two sips of it or something."

Kurt opened the bottle and took to large swigs. "I must have been in a state of delirium."

"Okay…whatever that is…"

Kurt picked up his iPhone. "I need to call Blaine, to cancel our plans."

"I'm going to stay in here to make sure you two aren't having phone sex or something."

"Excuse me?"

"Dude, I'm just watching out for you," Finn explained, "That's what big brothers are supposed to do."

Kurt did not look amused, "I'm three months older than you. But if you mean it in a literal sense, yes, you are my big brother."

"Thanks…I think…"

"Can you just shut up so I can call Blaine?"

"Fine." Finn sighed.

Kurt dialed the number four. Blaine was number four on his speed dial. First being voice mail, second his dad, and third Mercedes.

The phone began to ring.

* * *

Blaine Anderson looked at his reflection in the mirror. He squirted some hair gel in one hand. He held a comb in the other. Classes started soon and he wanted to look dapper, as usual.

In his pants pocket was his cell phone. It began blasting the song, "Animal" by Neon Trees.

Startling Blaine, he jumped. The comb was thrown behind him and his other hand landed on the mirror, smearing the hair gel.

He sighed. From the ringtone, he knew it was Kurt. Blaine sighed and looked at himself in the mirror. _Be dapper._

Blaine accepted the call. "Hello?"

_"Blaine." _Kurt's voice sounded hoarse and raspy.

"Oh, hey Kurt." Blaine said, trying to stay in his _'dapper mode'_.

_"Blaine, I feel really bad about telling you this."_ Kurt choked, _"It's not you, it's me."_

Blaine's eyes widened. He then gasped. Was Kurt breaking up with him? His life was over. No! Stay dapper. Stay dapper.

"W-What do you need to t-tell me?" Blaine stuttered. That was definitely NOT dapper.

_"I'm gonna need to cancel our dinner at Breadstix tonight, I'm sorry."_

"Oh thank God." Blaine sighed with a feeling of relief.

_"What?"_

"Nothing." Blaine answered. He was losing his dapperness. "Why do you need to cancel?"

It stayed quiet on the other end of the line. Blaine wondered if Kurt had hung up on him.

Then Blaine heard, _"We are not having phone sex, Finn!"_

"What?"

_"Nothing!" _Kurt yelled, _"Anyway, to answer your question. I'm sick. I have the flu."_

"Are you okay?" Blaine sounded worried, "Do you need me to come over and take care of you?"

_"Blaine—"_

"I'm on my way!" Blaine shouted into the phone, "I'll get there as soon as I can." The dapper routine had to wait. Blaine's boyfriend was sick. Blaine wasn't even wearing is uniform. Well, not all of his uniform. He was wearing the Dalton slacks, yes, and the collared, white buttoned down shirt. But, he was missing his jacket, tie and shoes. On his feet he wore a pair of black socks.

_"Get out of my bedroom, Bob Saget!" _Kurt yelled from the other end of the phone, _"Your baby cacti won't stop chewing on my legs! It burns! IT BURNS!"_

"Kurt!" Blaine yelled, "I'll be right there."

_"The cacti work for the Feds!" _Kurt screamed, _"The Feds!" _He hung up.

"Kurt!" Blaine yelled into his phone. There was no answer, only the dial tone. Kurt hung up on him. What did Kurt mean about Bob Saget and his evil league of cacti who worked for the government? Was he high? Were baby cacti really eating his flesh? Was he delirious? Blaine needed to make sure Kurt was okay.

He quickly slipped on a pair of sandals. Yes, he knew Kurt would yell at him for committing a crime against fashion, but he didn't care. Blaine grabbed his car keys off of the desk and forcefully opened his dorm room door. He quickly ran into the hallway.

"Blaine!" A voice called out. Blaine turned his head. It was his friend Wes. "Class starts in five minutes! Where are you going?"

"Kurt's sick."

"Blaine, we have an English exam in five minutes!" He then noticed Blaine's ungelled hair and outfit. "You look like a hobo."

"I don't care!" Blaine shouted, "Kurt needs me!"

"What about Warbler's practice?"

"Let Jeff sing or something! I really don't care! Aren't you guys all sick of just hearing my voice? I know I am!" Blaine sighed, "Can you cover for me?"

Wes rolled his eyes. "Fine." He groaned. "But you so owe me."

"Thanks man!" Blaine started running down the hall.

* * *

"Tell the chinchillas to stop eating my blankets!" Kurt yelled to his stepbrother.

"What the hell is a chinchilla?" Finn thought.

Kurt was acting like a complete spazoid!

Without thinking, Finn grabbed the cup of water off of Kurt's nightstand. He then threw it on Kurt.

"What was that for?" Kurt yelled, his voice was hoarse.

"You were acting like a complete spazoid!"

Luckily, Kurt's bed wasn't wet. But, he himself was soaked.

"I'm going to change." Kurt coughed, giving Finn a death glare. Kurt walked into his closet, carrying a new pair of pajama pants.

"It was only water, Kurt. Calm down."

* * *

A few minutes passed and Kurt was still inside his closet. Does it really take that long to put on a different pair of pants?

Finn, being the caring brother that he is, knocked on the closet door.

No answer.

He knocked again. "Kurt?"

Still no answer.

Finn opened the closet door. There he saw his brother sleeping on the ground only in his boxers. Yes, Kurt wore boxers. Kurt must've been exhausted. Yelling and fighting imaginary objects does that to a person.

Finn rolled his eyes and dragged Kurt by one of his legs. He then lifted him onto the bed.

At least he was asleep…for now…...

* * *

**A/N: **I advise you NOT to down a bottle of cough syrup. Remember what it did to Henri in _Acafellas? _He lost both of his thumbs. But fear not! Kurt's not losing any fingers. He's just gonna be high on cough syrup when he wakes up. 'Cedes and Blaine need to see their Kurtsie! 'Cedes is gonna be bringing along some friends. Next chapter we'll see Man Hands, Asain, Wheels, Other Asian, Puckzilla, Quinny, and Brittany! Yays! I loves me some Wheels, Puckzilla and Other Asian, they are supermegafoxyawesomehot. Just like Darren Freakin' Criss. :) And Brittany is awesome.

Anyways. Thank you so much and please review!


	3. Where Best Friends Are Made

**A/N: **Didn't really think I was gonna update today. I finished typing this chapter only an hour ago. Wasn't sure if I was gonna post. But anyways, I have some thank yous I need to say.

First to **lifeisawesome.** Thank you so much for that bit of constructive criticism. Before writing this fic I actually looked up flu temperatures. The website told me that an average flu temp was 103.5 degrees. Now I know that "Kid's Health" LIES. Thank you! I edited chapter one for that.

Second to **SciFiMom2000. **You gave me an idea for this chapter. As I said before, I give you full credit for Brittany's gift.

I also check my email today. And SWEET GRILLED CHEESUS! My inbox was flooded with over 150 messages saying people either reviewed, favorited or subscribed. My mind was blown. Boom.

And my reviewers of the previous chapter: **lifeisawesome** (thanks again), **Mystery person, shamWOOHOO, paracelcious, Kurtsie, NikiGrace, ShizoCow, 'Pink Vampire Skittle', Ampria, Eileen, A random reader, Imagination, SciFiMom2000, Extract of Insanity, and Klainebows and Butterflies. **Thank You.

Also, while writing this chapter I finally was able to see Toy Story 3. I was bawling like a baby at the end as was my twin sister. I believe my younger sister has a heart made of stone. She doesn't cry. It's weird.

Anyways. Without you guys this chapter wouldn't be possible! So I am proud to present chapter three of _'Fashionably Ill'._

**Disclaimer: **Seems to me that you are all on crack!…if you actually think I own Glee. Glee is owned by Ryan Murphy and Fox and stuff.

* * *

**Where Best Friends Are Made**

Kurt was sprawled out in an awkward position on his bed. His left arm hung off the side. His left leg made a diagonal towards the end. His head was barely on his pillow. Drool dripped out of his mouth.

Finn didn't really feel like sitting and watching his stepbrother sleep. He knew that Kurt wouldn't need him if he was sleeping. So, Finn slowly crept out of the bedroom, surprisingly not making too much noise.

From the hallway he approached the staircase. Cautiously walking down each step, making sure he wouldn't wake Kurt.

He continued walking until he reached the living room. There, he sat down on the sofa and picked up the television remote. He began to surf through channels.

Good Morning America? Nah...

The Real World? Not really…

Project Runway? More of Kurt's forte.

That 70's Show? Seen that episode a million times.

Scooby Doo marathon? Awesome.

Finn put down the remote and began to watch.

* * *

Rachel Berry stepped into the shotgun seat of Mercedes' car. Turning her head, she saw Quinn Fabray, who looked pretty pissed off at the presence of Rachel. Next to Quinn was Mike Chang, who's head was turned, looking behind. It the back three seats sat Artie Abrams, Brittany Pierce and Tina Cohen-Chang. Brittany looked down, appearing to be sad.

"What's wrong with Brittany?" Rachel asked.

"Her goldfish died." Mercedes answered, as she backed out of Rachel's driveway.

"We were best friends." Brittany sighed, "His name was John. We'd talk about everything together."

Rachel wasn't surprised. This was usually the norm for Brittany.

"It's okay, Britt," Artie put his hand on his girlfriend's shoulder, "He's in a better place now."

"Yeah," Tina told Brittany, "I bet he's smiling down at you right now from fish heaven."

"Just think of all the good times you had together." Mike added.

Rachel turned towards Mercedes. "Is Kurt okay?"

Mercedes shrugged, "When I talked to him, he sounded like he got run over by a truck."

"What's wrong with Kurt?" Brittany asked. Kurt was the whole reason everyone was in this car. But this was Brittany.

"For the fiftieth time, he's sick." Quinn sounded pretty annoyed. Holding in anger wasn't always good. Especially if you wanted to punch the person who sat in front of you.

"We should get him a present." Brittany suggested.

Tina then said, "Britt, that's actually a good idea."

"We pass the mall anyways, why don't we stop there?" Rachel suggested.

Everyone nodded, except Brittany, she was staring off into space.

Mercedes' phone began to ring.

"Could someone get that?" Mercedes asked.

The phone conveniently being next to Rachel, she answered it. "Mercedes' phone, Rachel Berry speaking."

Quinn rolled her eyes.

_"Hey Rachel," _The voice on the other end spoke, _"It's Blaine."_

"It's Blaine." Rachel told Mercedes.

"Put it on speaker."

Rachel pressed the speaker button.

_"Is Kurt okay?" _Blaine asked.

"Well he's sick." Mercedes responded, "You better be on your way to seeing him, Bird Boy."

"Kurt's sick?" Brittany asked.

"Yes, Brittany!" Everyone groaned.

Blaine's voice was heard again, _"I am! Well, I'm trying to. My car won't start!"_

* * *

Again, Blaine inserted his keys into the ignition.

Nothing.

"Damn it!" He yelled.

_"Calm down." _A voice came out of his cell phone. It was Mercedes.

"How can I calm down?" Blaine shouted, "Kurt's all alone, probably half dead!"

_"Uh…gotta go…driving into a dead zone…" _Mercedes hung up.

"GAH!" Blaine yelled, punching the steering wheel. That made the car alarm go off. He then began to spew out some _"not so dapper" _words.

_"Maybe I should call a cab…" _He thought.

* * *

Noah Puckerman leaned at the railing of the fourth floor of the mall. He was spitting of the railing and watching it drop to the first floor. Sure, this was a bit juvenile, even for Puck. But hey, he was bored. Santana was probably with either Sam or Brittany, Lauren was at some wrestling match, and the girl who worked at the Häagen Dazs cart all of a sudden had a boyfriend. Seriously? What up with that?

Puck was simply bored.

"Noah?" An annoyingly familiar voice asked, "What are you doing?"

Puck spit. He watched as it fell to the first floor. Damn it! It didn't hit anyone!

"Spittin'" He simply answered. He turned his head.

He saw Rachel Berry with her hands on her hips. Standing next to Rachel was Mercedes, and next to Mercedes was Quinn. Behind the three girls were Brittany, who was staring into space and holding on to the handles of a wheelchair, which Artie was sitting in. Next to Artie stood Tina, she was holding hands with Mike.

"Feels like someone's missing," Puck said, "Where's my boy Kurt?"

"He has the flu." Mercedes sighed.

"He can fly too?" Brittany asked, "I thought Finn was the only one."

Puck then turned to Quinn. "Hey Q, you wanna—"

Quinn then interrupted him, "In your dreams. I still don't know what I ever saw in you."

Puck turned to Rachel.

"Noah, for once I actually agree with Quinn." Rachel stated, "And also, we are here strictly on business."

"And that business would be…?"

Out of nowhere Brittany shouted, "Build-A-Bear!"

Puck looked confused, "You're all going to Build-A-Bear?"

Rachel rolled her eyes, "We came here to get a gift for Kurt."

"Let's go to Build-A-Bear!" Brittany pointed to the store across from her. "We can get Kurt a gift there!"

Puck laughed. Rachel looked confused. And everyone else looked at Brittany.

Brittany sighed, "It's the greatest store in the mall. They make best friends there. What more could you want?"

Eyebrows were raised.

"Brittany," Tina said, "Don't you think that store it a bit 'young' for Kurt?"

"I don't get it."

Artie turned towards his girlfriend, "What Tina means is that Kurt is—WHOA!" Brittany started running, pushing Artie.

The other six, and Puck followed. Brittany eventually stopped running as soon as she reached the entrance of Build-A-Bear.

Brittany sighed, "It's a magical place." She turned her head to the rest of the group. "Please?"

Some groans were heard.

"Fine!" Mercedes made her way upfront.

Brittany clapped her hands in excitement, "Yay!" She pushed Artie and walked inside the store. The others followed.

Brittany began digging through a bin marked _"Dolphin". _She pulled out one.

"It looks like the carcass of a dolphin who's insides got sucked out." Artie commented.

"Okay, gross." Quinn said, "But why the dolphin?"

"A dolphin for my dolphin." Brittany answered. She pushed Artie and walked over towards the stuffing machine. The others followed.

A guy who looked to be in his twenties sat at the machine. He had red hair and acne all over his face. His name tag said _'Lucas'._

"Are you lost?" He asked the teens.

"Unfortunately, no." Quinn sighed. Clearly she didn't want to be seen here. It could ruin her status, effect her running for Prom Queen. Quinn had her eyes on the prize. She didn't want sweet, but blissfully ignorant Brittany ruining her chances.

"Aren't you all a little old to be coming here?" Lucas asked.

"Yes, yes we are."

Brittany looked innocent as she said, "The dolphin is for our friend, Kurt."

"And how old is your friend?"

"Seventeen."

"That's nice…" The ginger sighed, "I'd normally tell you all to each take a heart, kiss it, make a wish and put it in the dolphin. But, since you all aren't five and that would be weird, just take a heart and put it in the dolphin."

Rachel, Mercedes, Tina, Mike, Quinn and Artie each grabbed one heart and put it in the dolphin. Puck, being the badass that he is, grabbed a handful and forced it in the dolphin. Brittany on the other hand, was a different story. She took one heart, touched it to her lips and silently made a wish. She then dropped it in the dolphin.

Lucas stuck a hose inside the dolphin and turned on the machine. In a matter of minutes, it didn't look like the carcass of a dolphin that got it's insides sucked out. It now looked like a normal stuffed animal. He handed it to Brittany.

Excited, Brittany ran towards the clothes. The others followed.

Digging through the clothing, Brittany pulled out a purple bowtie, an off-white collared shirt, and black pants with suspenders attached. She quickly fixed it onto the dolphin.

She held it out for her friends to see. "He looks just like him. They're gonna be best friends."

A few sarcastic "Yeahs", "Uh-huhs", and "Sures" were heard.

Puck looked around. He then saw a girl sitting at the checkout. She was working the register. She looked about nineteen or twenty.

"I'll be right back guys." He walked over to the checkout.

Everyone rolled their eyes and/or groaned, except Brittany of course, she was admiring the dolphin. She ran over to the computer.

Mercedes sat down and began to type. "What are we gonna name it?" She asked.

"How about Marc Jacobs?" Quinn suggested.

Tina then spoke, "Alexander McQueen?"

"How about Boq? Fiyero?" Rachel recommended.

Mercedes shook her head.

"Shamu?" Artie said.

"Shamu's a whale." Tina corrected Artie.

"Whale, dolphin…same thing."

"Jean-Claude?" Mike asked.

"Let's name him Frank." Brittany told everyone.

"Frank?" Questioned Mercedes.

Brittany nodded. "It's perfect!"

"Okay…Frank it is then…" Mercedes typed it in and did the rest.

* * *

When she was finished, the group approached the checkout. There they saw Puck making out with the checkout girl.

"Seriously?" Rachel yelled, "There are children here Noah!"

"Oh my god!" Quinn shouted, "You are such a pig! Get off of her!"

Puck and the girl stopped making out.

"Is she your girlfriend?" The girl asked Puck.

"What? No!"

The girl sighed, "Whatever." She pushed Puck away.

Brittany handed the dolphin to the girl. "His name is Frank." She told her, "He's a dolphin like Kurt."

"That's nice sweetie." The girl spoke with sarcasm. She then forcefully stuffed _'Frank' _into a box. "That'll be fifty-three dollars."

Artie pulled out his wallet. Mercedes, Rachel, Quinn and Tina looked through their purses. Mike reached in his back pocket. Even Puck took out some money. They all laid out some bills and a few coins.

Brittany lifted the box that Frank was in.

"Don't worry Frank," She whispered, "You and Kurt are gonna be best friends."

* * *

**A/N: **Love it? Like it? Hate it? Wanna punch it in the face? Gimme your feedback in the form of a review or something.

Also, before anyone gets all up in my grill saying _"Build-A-Bear doesn't have any dolphins!" _Lemme just say one thing. The last time I went to Build-A-Bear was like four years ago and I'm pretty sure I saw a dolphin there. Pretty sure.

And also, thank you so much for reading. It actually means a lot to me that people are actually reading my writing. Thank you.

Reviews are motivational! :)


	4. Cannibals, Dreams and Lamps

**A/N: **We so excited! We so excited! It's Friday! Friday! Friday! Partyin'! Partyin'! YEAH! Partyin'! Partyin'! Yeah! FUN! FUN! FUN!

Sorry, I had to get that out of my system. The song has been stuck in my head the entire day.

Even when I was at the doctor's acting like a complete spazoid when they were trying to give me a shot. And that is why I will never become a Heroin addict.

Anywhos…..I want to thanks the reviewers: **Snakequeen-in-Norway, Extract of Insanity, NayNay, Too lazy to sign in, Dlenn2, Eileen, SciFiMom2000, smileyface1627, SockPuppetsArePeopleToo, Kurtsie, Puppies 'n Rainbows, Klainebows and Butterflies, Lycoris B, Vampire Princess 900. **

And also…HOLY MOTHER OF PAVAROTTI! This story has almost 2000 views. Oh my gahhhhh…

Also, to all my readers who think my story is funny, I thank you. When I was younger I didn't understand humor that much, but for some reason people thought I was funny. I didn't get the joke, _"Why is six afraid of seven?"_ joke until two years ago. For twelve years I thought it was because the number 7 comes after 6. Yeah….I'm pathetic….

I also used to think that whenever someone said the word _"Bluff"_ They were referring to the cartoon _Doug. _'Cause Doug lives in a town called BLUFFington! I finally figured out what 'Bluff' actually meant when I was 10 years old.

I know what a tumblr is now! I has one! :D **rainasinbow(dot)tumblr(dot)com** I also has twitter **twitter(dot)com/RainAsInBow**

Enough about my patheticness…..this chapter has to be one of the weirdest and inappropriate things I have ever written. I'm serious. I already told some of my reviewers that this chapter will include a dream sequence. It does.

It's a…..*drum roll*….CANNI!BLAINE DREAM! I couldn't help myself! I had to! The dream sequence includes a song in there by famous rapper: Ke Dollar Sign Ha.

Outside of the dream sequence this chapter includes:

A reference from the nigahiga video: "Off the Pill: Weird People". If you haven't seen the video, watch it on youtube. it's hilarious.

An AVPM reference.

And a little reference of my life. Can you guess what it is? The answer will be at the ending author's note.

Anyway, thank you so so so much! Please review and enjoy! :)

**WARNING: THE CHAPTER YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ IS SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS. I BLAME THE SONG BY KE DOLLAR SIGN HA. I RATE THIS CHAPTER '_C'_ FOR CREEPY CANNIBALISM. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. :)**

**Disclaimer: **ME NO OWN GLEE, KE DOLLAR SIGN HA, OR NIGAHIGA

* * *

**Cannibals, Dreams, and Lamps**

As Finn was sitting on the couch, he heard the doorbell ring.

Groaning, he got up from the couch and walked over to the door. When he opened it he saw Rachel Berry. Rachel his ex. The Rachel he had confused feelings about. Rachel had something on her face sort of like a surgeon's mask.

Standing behind Rachel were Mercedes, Tina, Artie, Mike, Brittany, Quinn and Puck.

"What are you guys doing here?" Finn asked.

Rachel then responded, "I am not here to see you, Finn. I am an independent woman! I do not need you tying me down!"

"Where's my dolphin?" Brittany asked, she was holding a stuffed dolphin. "Frank keeps asking to see him."

"Frank?" Finn asked.

"Don't ask." Mercedes told him, "So where's Kurt?"

"In his room."

In a matter of seconds, Finn was being pushed and shoved away by his friends.

"Take Artie's chair." Puck told Finn as he lifted Artie out of the wheelchair an followed the others.

Finn sighed. He lifted Artie's chair and followed the rest of the group upstairs.

When they reached the floor, Finn set Artie's chair down. Puck then placed Artie back in the chair.

Everyone followed Mercedes into Kurt's room.

They all saw Kurt, still fast asleep. Still in an awkward position. Still in only his boxers.

"Well this is awkward." Said Mike.

"Aww..." Rachel cooed, "He's sleeping."

"He's so adorable!" Mercedes spoke.

"He looks so peaceful." Quinn sighed.

Then Brittany said, "I'm so turned on right now."

Most shot Brittany confused looks.

"What?" Brittany asked, "Kurt's hot. And his hands are soft."

Kurt began to stir.

"I think he's dreaming." Mercedes said.

Mercedes was absolutely right.

* * *

_*The dream sequence of awesome. Doo bi Doo bi Doo! This is supposed to be dream sequence music*_

Kurt sighed as he turned in his bed. Wait...he was just changing his clothes, how did he get in his bed?

He then heard a knock on the door. _'Knock! Knock!'_

"Finn!" Kurt coughed, "You better have some Tussin with you!"

The door slowly opened. It was Blaine.

"Blaine!" Kurt shrieked, quickly hiding under the covers, "You can't see me like this!"

Blaine adjusted his Dalton tie. "Kurt," He sighed, "I don't care how you look, I just want to see you."

"But you're all dapperfied and I look like I got hit by a train!"

"Kurt, you're amazing, just the way you are."

Kurt peaked his eyes out of the covers. "Really?"

"Really."

"Really really?"

Blaine nodded, "Really really."

Kurt pulled the blanket off. Blaine approached Kurt. He had a look of hunger in his hazel eyes. He then grabbed Kurt and started nibbling on his neck.

"Blaine," Kurt giggled, "I don't want you to get sick."

Blaine ignored the boy. He began to get a bit rougher.

"Blaine?"

Rougher to the point of breaking the skin. Blood seeped out the wound, Blaine seemed to enjoy that.

"Blaine!" Kurt cried, "Stop! You're hurting me!"

Blaine didn't listen. He continued to gnaw on Kurt's neck, starting to move higher, up to his chin.

"Blaine!" Kurt screamed, pushing Blaine off of him. Blaine crashed to the ground. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Blain licked Kurt's crimson blood that stained his lips. He glared at Kurt with his golden eyes. He gave a malicious grin. He then began to sing.

"_I have a heart, I swear I do.  
__But just not Baby,  
__When it comes to you  
__I get so hungry when you say you love me  
__Hush, if you know what's good for you."_

"Blaine?" Kurt's hand on his bleeding neck. "What are you talking about?"

"_I think you're hot,  
__I think you're cool,  
__You're the kind of guy I'd stalk in school.  
__But now that I'm famous,  
__You're up my anus,  
__Now I'm gonna eat you fool."_

"What?" Blaine slowly began to approach Kurt. Licking his lips, he took his index finger and touched Kurt's bleeding neck. He then took it away and slowly licked the blood off. A crazed look of hunger was on his face.

"_I eat boys up,  
__Breakfast and lunch.  
__Then when I'm thirsty  
__I drink their blood."_

Kurt backed away. He noticed Blaine was breathing heavily.

"_Carnivore, Animal  
__I'm a Cannibal.  
__I eat boys up,  
__You better run."_

Kurt gasped. The kind, dapper boy he had once known and loved, was now going to devour him. Has this been Blaine's plan all along?

"_I…am…Cannibal...I…am…  
__I…am...Cannibal…  
__I'll eat you up._

_I…am…Cannibal...I…am…  
__I…am...Cannibal…  
__I'll eat you up."_

Blaine ran his fingers through Kurt's brunette locks. Sniffing him. He grabbed Kurt's hand.

"_Whenever you tell me I'm pretty,  
__That's when the hunger really hits me.  
__Your heart goes pitter-patter,  
__I want your liver on a platter."_

Kurt quickly pulled his hand away. But, Blaine grabbed his pinky finger and licked it.

"_Use your finger to stir my tea,  
__And for dessert I'll suck your teeth.  
__Be too sweet and you'll be a goner  
__Yep! I'll pull a Jefree Dauhmer!"_

Kurt began to hyperventilate. His eyes growing wide.

"_I eat boys up,  
__Breakfast and lunch.  
__Then when I'm thirsty  
__I drink their blood."_

He then did grind his teeth into Kurt's shoulder blade.

"Ahhh!" Kurt screamed, trying to pull Blaine off of him.

"_Carnivore, Animal  
__I'm a Cannibal.  
__I eat boys up,  
__You better run."_

Blaine grabbed Kurt's face. He began to passionately maul him, so to speak. As he kissed him, he bit Kurt's lips.

"_Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh! __Ohhhh!"_

Kurt pulled away. He slowly walked backwards. His heart beating extremely fast.

"_I…am…Cannibal...I…am…  
__I…am...Cannibal…  
__I'll eat you up._

_I…am…Cannibal...I…am…  
__I…am...Cannibal…  
__I'll eat you up._

_I…am…Cannibal...I…am…  
__I…am...Cannibal…  
__I'll eat you up."_

Kurt then picked up one of his combs and threw it at Blaine.

"_I love you."_

Kurt then hurled a hand mirror.

"_I warned you."_

This...this...Canni!Blaine, put a hand on Kurt's rosy cheeks.

Then, without thinking, Kurt kicked Blaine hard in his manhood.

"OH LORDY!" Blaine fell to the floor, "OH HOLY MOTHER OF PAVAROTTI! OH MY WIZARD GOD THIS HURTS!"

"OH HELL TO THE NAWWW! Try to eat me again, and you'll be dead before you have the chance. I'm sure of it." Kurt yelled with rage, "I am going to shoot you, hire a taxidermist to stuff you with candy, then I'll beat you with a freakin' baseball bat!"

_*end of dream sequence music doo bi doo bi doo wahhhhhh*_

* * *

Kurt was stirring in his sleep. His friends heard him moaning, "Oh hell to the nawww..." and "Touch me and die..." and "Imma shoot you! Get me my AK-47." and "Piñata time…."

"Should we wake him up?" Tina asked, "I think he's having a nightmare or something."

"He's probably dreaming about making dolphin babies." Brittany said.

Everyone shot Brittany a strange look.

"Are you saying Kurt is having a sex dream?" Finn asked Brittany. Sure, Finn had sex dreams sometimes, but Kurt? It kind of grossed him out a bit.

"Kurt and Harry would make beautiful dolphin babies." Said Brittany.

"Harry?" Questioned Mike.

"Isn't Kurt dating Harry Potter?" Brittany spoke, "Doesn't his boyfriend go to Gay Hogwarts?"

Some snickers and sighs were heard.

Kurt began stirring again. His aqua eyes snapped open. He was breathing heavily. He looked around the room. Everything was a bit fuzzy.

"Kurt," A familiar voice asked, "You okay?"

Kurt turned his head. Standing next to him was Mercedes...or he thought it was Mercedes.

"Hi Mercedes," Kurt sort of slurred as he spoke, "Everybody's here! Oh my gahhhh... I feel loved."

Brittany handed Frank to Kurt, "His name is Frank."

Kurt began to rub the dolphin against his face. "He's so soft." Yup, Kurt was definitely high on Tussin.

Kurt saw Artie and asked, "Why are you in a wheelchair?"

Artie looked confused, "Because I'm paralyzed..."

"That's sooooo sad!"

"Is it just me, or is Kurt acting strange?" Quinn asked.

Kurt then turned to his desk lamp. "Hey, what's up Little Lamp?"

Kurt, being delusional, thought he heard the lamp answer. "Hey Kurt!"

"How's it going?"

Then the lamp said, "One day I wanna be big like you!"

Then Kurt said, "I thought you wanted to be like Big Lamp?"

Then the larger lamp answered, "It's alright. He's moved on."

Then Little Lamp told Kurt, "I wanna have arms and legs..."

Kurt interrupted the lamp saying, "But you're a lamp, you're never going to—" He was interrupted by Big Lamp.

"Stop! Don't say it! Let him dream."

Little Lamp then spoke, "Wait, what?"

Kurt looked to his small iron on his vanity, "No, no, no...let him dream!"

"Wait," Kurt said to the iron, "You're not even a lamp."

The iron answered, "No, no, no! I'm a lamp!"

Little Lamp spoke, "You're not a lamp, you're an iron."

"Yeah! Give it up!" Big Lamp yelled.

"Wait..." Kurt thought for a moment, "Wasn't there one more of you?"

"Yeah," Little Lamp answered, "Where's Douche Lamp?"

A tall lamp that was on the ground then spoke, "Dude, I'm totally hooking up with this outlet."

Kurt continued talking to the lamps. Everyone looked really confused. Why in the world was Kurt talking to lamps?

"He's acting weirder than Noah did when he got drunk during Preschool Shabbat." Rachel said.

"You got drunk during _Preschool _Shabbat?" Quinn asked Puck.

"Wait..." Finn thought for a second, "Isn't Shabbat like something you do at Jew Church or something?"

"Yeah Finn, _'Jew Church'_." Puck sounded sarcastic. Everyone was still looking at him. "What? They were giving out wine! I my have took an extra cup."

Rachel then said with a matter-of-fact tone, "First of all, the wine was for the Kiddish! They weren't just giving it out! Also, you took way more than a few cups. I have an impeccable memory."

"I was four years old!" Puck yelled.

Brittany pulled out her phone and started texting, _"Douche lamp hooked up with a outlet. Puck got drunk in a caboose." _She clicked send.

* * *

It took Blaine a while to walk to the bus station. He was pretty sure that he could take a bus to Lima from there.

Blaine looked for the ticket line. "Excuse me Miss?" Blaine asked a woman, "Do you know where the ticket line is?"

She answered, "All the way over there."

"Thank you."

What? This line never seemed to end! Blaine began to the end of the line, if he'd ever get there. He really hoped Kurt was okay.

* * *

**A/N:** Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna punch it in the face? Gimme your feedback.

And ze answer to my question is…..**GETTING DRUNK DURING PRESCHOOL SHABBAT! **I'm serious. When I was 4 we had this thing at our Synagogue where all the little kids would sing songs for our families about Shabbat and stuff. When we were in the room where they had food, I kept taking multiple cups of wine. I got drunk. I'm serious.

And if you have any suggestions whatsoever for the next chapter, write them in your review. I may use them. I have before.

Anyway THANKS! :D


	5. Never Leave Out Santana

**A/N: **I haven't updated in over two weeks! I'm such a meanie! Whatevers. I've had this horrible writer's block and it's been driving me mad. I also have been working on a NEW Klaine fic. It's a really long oneshot called _Silent Obsession._ It's sort of based on The Little Mermaid. Get it? The mermaid was silent and obsessed with the prince. Eh…eh…? I'll post it when I'm finished writing it.

I also had to make up all my schoolwork and write an essay. It was on bullying. I put so much heart into that essay! I better get an A+.

I've also had to practice my NYSSMA solo. _On My Own_ from Les Miserables. Such a sad but yet awesome song to sing.

Okay I want to thank my reviewers: **Lea, LalaWinchesterPotter, Ampria, mony101, Gothicthundra, IamabossZefronposter, Natv, Lycoris B, Eileen, The Dark Queen of Insanity, Proteolisato, HelpATemporaryIdentityCrisis, bubblez4ever13**

THANK YOU!

Happy Passover and Easter! :D Wish I had some Cadbury Eggs.

Also…..Trouty Mouth and Santana are in this chappie! :D

Oh My Unmatching Socks! OVER 3,000 views! *faints*

**Disclaimer: **Don't own Glee!

* * *

**Never Leave Out Santana**

Santana was on her bed laying on top of Sam. She was giving him a hickey. She was secretly imagining that Sam was Brittany.

"Oh Brittany!" Santana moaned.

Sam pulled himself away from Santana. "Did you just call me Brittany?" He asked the Latina.

"No."

"Yes you did!" Sam said a bit louder, "You said, _"Oh Brittany!"_ I'm not deaf."

"No…I said, _"Oh Trouty!"_"

Sam got up from the bed and put his shirt back on. "Mmm….sure you did."

"Fine," Santana sighed, "Don't believe me!"

Santana's phone vibrated. She took it of her nightstand. It was a text message from Brittany. She clicked _Open._

_"Douche lamp hooked up with a outlet. Puck got drunk in a caboose."_

"Who the hell is Douche Lamp?" Santana asked aloud.

"What?"

"Wow…" Santana read the message again, "Her spelling has improved."

"Who's?"

"Your mom's."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Santana clicked _reply _and typed, _"Wat the hell r u talking about?"_ She hit _send._

"Who are you texting?" Sam asked his girlfriend.

"Britt."

Sam rolled his eyes, "Of course."

A new text was received.

"_Kurtie's sick. But Frank makes him feel better. He's Kurt's and Blaine's adopted dolphin baby."_

"_Who's Frank?" _Santana thought.

Santana clicked reply, _"Porcelain's sick?"_

A new message was received, _"Yeah. Me and like a lot of ppl are with him now"_

Santana was a bit shocked. Britt didn't invite her? Her best friend? Was it because Santana didn't want to comfort Brittany about John's death? Was she mad at her. No….Britt doesn't get mad at anyone. She's too innocent for that.

"We're going to Kurt's." Santana said, putting her phone in her jean pocket.

"Why?"

"He's sick or something." She picked up her purse from off the ground, "Let's go, Guppy."

* * *

"FIIIIIIIIINN!" Kurt moaned, "Can you get me some water?"

"Why?"

"BECAUSE I'M THIRSTY YOU DIPSHIT!"

Everyone gasped. Kurt never really cursed. This was so unlike him.

"Oh-okay…" Finn stuttered, he ran out of the room.

"Why did you just call Finn a dipshit?" Rachel asked.

"Douche Lamp told me to, Schnozzola." Kurt sneered. He looked at his nails, "I think I need a manicure."

Rachel looked offended. She covered her nose with her hands.

"Yeah. Keep that schnoz covered, Squidward." Kurt said.

Puck snickered. Rachel gave him a glare.

"What?"

"Is my nose really that big?" Asked Rachel.

Some "No's" and "Not Really's" were heard.

Kurt turned to Artie, "Dead Legs, get me a blanket!"

"Dead Legs?" Artie sounded confused. This was so unlike Kurt.

"Kurt!" Tina said sternly, "Why would you call him that? He's one of your closest friends!"

"Oh shut it, Stutterfly!"

"Oh that's it!" Mercedes shouted, "Kurt! Enough with the names!"

"Why should I, King Sized Hershey?"

"Oh that's it!" Mercedes yelled. She then slapped Kurt across the face. Tears welled up in his eyes. His cheeks turned red.

"Mercedes," he sniffled, "W-Why d-did you h-hit me?"

"Because you were acting like a jerk!"

"I was?"

"Mhmm Hmmm!" Mercedes looked pissed, "You called me a _"King Sized Hershey"_! Do you really think of me that way?"

"Mercedes, I would never call you that! Ever!"

"Well you just did." Quinn told Kurt.

"I-I don't remember calling you that, Mercedes." Kurt sighed, "And if I did, I'm so sorry."

"I forgive you." Mercedes answered. "Only because it's you."

Kurt smiled.

* * *

Finn was in the kitchen. Why did Kurt yell at him like that? What did he do? Kurt seemed pretty pissed off.

There was a knock on the door.

Dropping the cup he held, he walked out of the kitchen and to the door. He opened it. Sam and Santana were standing there.

"Where's Porcelain, Frankenteen?" Santana asked, "I heard he was sick."

"Um…upstairs."

"Come on, Lemon Head." Santana pulled Sam along as she followed Finn. The three teens walked up the staircase, down the hallway, and into Kurt's room.

"Satan," Kurt groaned, "What are you doing here?"

"What?" Santana asked, "Can't I visit a sick friend."

Kurt's eyes then lit up, "Hi Sam!"

"Hey." Sam gave Kurt a little wave.

Kurt almost melted right there.

"Your hair is yellower." Kurt told him, "Did you dye it more?"

"Dude, I don't dye my hair."

"Whatever you say….."

Sam rolled his eyes.

Santana walked over to Brittany. "Hey Britts."

"Hey San!" Brittany pulled Frank off of Kurt's bed. "I want you to meet Frank!"

"FRAAAAAAAANK!" Kurt screamed, "Where did you go? I need your love!"

"That's a stuffed animal Britt."

"He's Kurt's dolphin baby."

"Right…."

Kurt began to cry, "Did Frank run away? Does he not like me?"

Brittany gave Frank back to Kurt.

"Frank!" Kurt shouted happily, "You have returned!" he hugged Frank and kissed his forehead. "Don't you ever leave me again."

The Kurt thought Frank said, "As long as you give me your sweet dolphin kisses, I'll stay."

"Okay."

"Make love to me." Frank said to Kurt.

"What?"

"Make love to me, bitch!" Frank shouted.

"I have a boyfriend!"

"Gimme your sweet dolphin kisses or I'll slit your throat, fool!"

Kurt sounded scared, "Okay…" he started kissing Frank.

"What the hell is he doing?" Finn asked.

"Getting freaky with a dolphin." Puck answered.

"Wanky." Santana snickered.

"Okay…." Mike said, "This is just weird."

"Finn?" Rachel asked, "Why is Kurt acting like this? What did you give him?"

"I dunno," Finn shrugged, "Just a half a bottle of Tussin."

"YOU WHAT?" Mercedes yelled.

* * *

Blaine finally boarded the bus. It was filled with creeps and weirdos. His kind of people. He sat down in a seat next to a ginger haired girl.

"Hi!" The girl sounded perky.

"Hi."

"My name is Ellie, what's yours?"

"Blaine."

"That's a totally awesome name."

"Thanks."

"Your hair is so curly."

"I know…."

"I just wanna lay down and take a nap I it!" Ellie was freaking Blaine out, "Can I? Please? Please? PLEASE?"

"Um…no…"

"Why not?" She shrieked, "Your hair looks so damn comfortable! I want to shave it off and knit it into a sweater!"

Blaine wanted to change seats. Every other seat was filled. He was stuck with this creepy girl for two hours.

* * *

**A/N: **I know it was really short! If you have any ideas please leave them in the review! Ideas are awesome!

Reviewers get redvines :)

Reviewers with ideas get redvines AND a BOSS Zefron poster.

Thanks :D


	6. The Truth About Tussin

**A/N: **Le Freaking Gasp! Almost 100 reviews. *faints*

ALL REVIEWERS ARE THANKED. You know who you are. YOU ALL GET REDVINES!

Barbra Streisand.

My friends were randomly saying that ALL DAY. Also, one of my friends screamed "CHRIS COLFER SEX RIOT!" in the middle of English class today. She blamed me because I texted it to her. Then my English teacher said, "No more texting for Erin." My face turned bright red.

Enough about me. "Born This Way" was AWESOMETASTIC! I loved the "Bully Whips" and Kurt and just…..EVERYTHING!

Aside from that…..Sorry Blaine…I officially ship FRANKURTER! And I may be the only person in the world that ships Artcedes. I love Artina but I also like Tike. I'M CONFLICTED! But Artie and Cedes would make an awesome couple.

And speaking of Dolphins, my dad's watching Flipper and he keeps yelling at the TV. And I'm all like, "The TV people can't hear you, dad." and he's all like, "Are you sure? HOW DO YOU KNOW?" My family's weird.

To any of you fans of Percy Jackson…..I make a reference….

I also did my research on what happens when you down a half bottle o' Tussin. I'm not a druggie so I've never tried it. Don't want to lose my thumbs like Henri.

And just to let you know….I always reply to reviews…..

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Glee.

* * *

**The Truth About Tussin**

"YOU WHAT?" Mercedes yelled. She looked at Finn with a furious expression. She was very worried for her best friend. She didn't know the side effects, but she knew they weren't rainbows and unicorns.

Finn looked a bit frightened. He knew Mercedes could kick his ass. And she would too. "He was coughing like an old smoker dude so I gave him some cough syrup. He downed like half the bottle. That's not bad…right?"

"Not bad? Not bad!" Shouted Mercedes, "Look at him!"

Kurt was moving his hand up and down, back and forth. "Look Frank! My hand is a dolphin!"

"So?"

"SO!" She put her hand on her forehead. "Don't you read directions? You're not supposed to down a half a bottle of Tussin!"

"Well I didn't know!" Finn defended himself, "He's not that bad!"

Mercedes put her hands on her hips. "He's having conversations with inanimate objects." She pointed to Kurt. He appeared to be talking to his pillow.

"Pillow," Kurt said, "You are amazing just the way you are. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

"He crazy," Commented Artie, "Literally."

Rachel looked at her phone. "It says on here that an overdose of Robitussin can cause hallucinations, loss of motor control, and "out-of-body" sensations. It can also cause confusion, blurred vision, impaired judgment, dizziness, paranoia, slurring of speech, excessive swearing, nausea, vomiting, abdominal pain, irregular heartbeat, high blood pressure, headache, lethargy, numbness of fingers and toes, facial redness," Rachel gasped for breath, "Dry and itchy skin, loss of consciousness, seizures, brain damage, and…." Rachel went silent.

"And what?" Quinn asked.

"And even death."

Everyone gasped.

Brittany's eyes began to water. She then choked out, "Kurtie's gonna die?" Santana then walked over to her. She hugged he best friend and stroked her back.

"Porcelain's not gonna die." Santana told Brittany, "Not on my watch."

Kurt began to make "airplane noises". "Oh no, Frank! We're going to crash on the island from Lost! Put on your seatbelts passengers!"

"There's the hallucinations." Sam sighed.

Finn began to pace the room, "This is all my fault! Now Kurt's gonna die and it's all because of me!"

Kurt reached out to Artie. He pulled him towards him. He removed his shoe and threw it to the ground. He pulled off the sock and wiggled Artie's toes. He started chanting, "This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home…."

Artie had a look on his face. It was the _What the hell are you doing? _look.

Tina squeezed Mike's hand. "Kurt's not going to die. Right? I mean tons of people down Tussin and live, right? Please say I'm right!"

"It's gonna be okay Tina," Mike whispered, "I hope…"

Then Kurt squealed, "And this little piggy went WEE WEE WEE all the way home!"

Artie wheeled away from Kurt.

Kurt was grinning like an idiot as he stared into space. He turned to Rachel. She was still wearing the mask. "Are you a doctor? Are you going to pull out my intestines and feed them to the cows who are planning to take over the world?"

"No Kurt. It's me, Rachel."

"Rachel? Hmm…Rachel Elizabeth Dare? No….she's that annoying ginger that zoned out and told me I was going to get killed by a Harpy or something." He held up Frank, "Frank? Do you know?"

"I'm a murderer!" Finn panicked, "They're gonna send me to juvie and then I'll have to eat prison food and I'm gonna become someone's girlfriend!"

"K-Kurt…" Brittany choked, "Are you gonna die?"

Kurt had a dopey grin and shrugged, "I don't know. That Harpy hasn't killed me yet!"

Mercedes pulled out her cell phone, "I'm going to call Blaine. Quinn, call a doctor."

"Puck!" Kurt shouted, "I want your love and I want your revenge, you and me could have a bad romance!"

"W-Whatever Kurt." Puck stuttered. He was trying to hide the fact that he was frightened for Kurt.

Mercedes dialed Blaine's number. She waited for him to pick up.

"_Hello?"_

* * *

"_Kurt downed half a bottle of Robitussin!" _

"Oh my God." Blaine spoke into the phone, "Is he okay?"

Ellie looked at Blaine and asked, "Who are you talking to? You better not be cheating on me!"

Blaine rolled his eyes and ignored the girl.

"_Not Really. He's been hallucinating. We're calling a doctor. Do you want to talk to him?"_

"Yeah." Blaine sighed, "I would." In the background he could hear Kurt singing _"Bad Romance"._

Kurt was now speaking through the phone, _"Because your love, your love, your love is my drug!"_

"Are you okay?"

Kurt's speech was slurring, _"I-I gotta tell you something."_

"What?"

"_I'm dumping you for Frank."_

"What? Who's Frank?"

"_He's made of plush. I love plush. Oh ooh whoa ooh whoa! Caught in a bad romance!"_

What in the world was Kurt talking about?

"Is Frank a toy?"

"_Don't let him hear you! Let him dream!"_

"I'll be there soon. I love you."

"_I love Frank more! La la la!" _The line went silent.

"Oh I love you too!" Ellie hugged Blaine.

"What?"

"We are such the perfect couple, Blainey!"

"Blainey?"

Ellie laughed, "I'm actually not really aloud to date. But what the Gods don't know won't hurt them!"

"Gods?"

"You're so much cuter than that Percy guy who chose that blonde chick over me!"

"I'm in a relationship."

"I'm so glad we're official!"

Blaine sighed, "How do I put this? I have a boyfriend. I don't play for your team."

"You will after I annihilate him!"

"What?"

"Nothing!"

Blaine knew something was very wrong with this girl.

* * *

"Hello?" Quinn spoke into the phone, "Dr. Jameson? This is Quinn Fabray speaking. I'm calling about Kurt Hummel. He downed a half bottle of Robitussin and we don't know what to do…."

Kurt burst into song, "The wheels on the bus go round and round! Round and round! Round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round! All through the town! Sing with me Sammy!"

Sam's face turned red. "Uh…no…"

"Why won't you sing?" Kurt asked, "Do you not like me?" He started crying.

"Damn it Sam!" Puck yelled, "Now you made him cry!" He sat down next to Kurt.

"Okay, thank you." Quinn hung up the phone.

"So?" Mercedes asked Quinn.

"Kurt has an appointment in an hour and a half."

"Kurt," Mercedes told her best friend, "We're gonna go see the doctor soon. Okay?"

"NO!" Kurt screamed, "He'll shoot me up with needles and feed me to those undermining cows!"

"Come on, Boo…"

"NO!" Kurt screamed at the top of his lungs. He started kicking his legs, "NO! NO! NO! NO!"

* * *

**A/N: **Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna punch it in the face? Leave me a review.

Anyone think they know who "Ellie" is?

Want me to somehow bring the fabulous Karofsky into this story?

Or Jesse St. Swirlyhead?

Mistah Shue?

Someone?

Leave a review.

Thank you.

Peace.

Love.

And Frank the Dolphin :D


	7. Making A Scene And All That Jazz

**A/N: **Everyone! Set your guns to pew! PEW! PEW! PEW!

Sorry….I'm on a STARSHIP high! And Bad Romance is stuck in my head….it's all that picture I drew's fault!

_Walk. Walk. Fashion Baby. Work it. Move That Bitch Crazy._

Sooo…..I wrote this chapter during Tech today. Well…most of the chapter anyway. I wrote the rest during Algebra and Biology.

Today has been weird…..Zarin and I had a conversation about Unicorns and Uniforms…

Anyways….

This chapter mentions…..POWER RANGERS! I was always the green ranger…even though the green ranger was a boy and I am a girl….green is my favorite color…. :D

And a few AVPM references.

Ange has the flu now. She's pretty pissed about that…..hope she doesn't accidentally overdose on Tussin. I should get her a stuffed animal Horse. I'll name him Martin. :)

I love all your reviews and fangirlness (or fanboyness, I don't judge). Many of your reviews make me laugh hysterically. Then my friends al look at me like I'm crazy. I'm like Tinkerbell. Except instead of applause, I need reviews to live. :)

What the Bug? OVER 130 REVIEWS! I can't…I just can't….YOU GUYS ARE SO FREAKING AWESOME! MY CREYS ARE HEARD FROM HEAVEN ABOVE!

Seriously, without you guys I wouldn't be typing this right now. So thanks. :)

And now I am proud to present…chapter 7! I think this is chapter 7.….I'm not sure…..

**Disclaimer Time: **Glee is not owned by me!

* * *

**Making A Scene and All That Jazz**

Kurt held onto the edge of his bed. He was pulling off the comforter. Puck and Finn were pulling him by his legs, trying to get him off the bed.

"No!" Kurt screamed, "You can't make me go! You can't make me go!" He grabbed onto Frank's tailfin. "Save me, Frank! Save me from these wretched demons!"

"You guys need any help?" Sam asked Puck and Finn.

"No," Finn told him, "We're― OW!" Kurt kicked Finn straight in the jaw.

"I'll take that as a yes." Sam walked behind Kurt and grabbed his left leg.

"Damn that Sam." Finn mumbled under his breath. "Always trying to outdo me." He stood up from the ground and walked over to Quinn.

"Are you alright, sweetie?" Quinn asked.

Rachel, still having feelings for the boy, tried to hide them by bursting into laughter. "HA! He kicked you square in the jaw!"

Santana then snickered, "You got whacked by a boy half your size. You are so pathetic."

Finn turned bright red.

Meanwhile, Kurt continued to scream. "Let go of me!" Kurt looked at Frank.

Kurt then heard Frank say, "Kick 'em in the face, Kurtie. They're going to remove your intestines and feed them to the cows undermining to government! Those cows don't believe in inter-species relationships! They'll never let us be!"

Kurt gasped, "No! I won't let them!"

Frank then told Kurt, "Then kick those incredibly sexy boys straight in the jaw!"

Kurt nodded, "I'll do it! I'll do it, because I love you!" Kurt kicked his legs. He hit both boys straight in the jaw. They crashed to the ground.

"Damn!" Puck yelled, "What are you on? Steroids?"

Sam held his jaw. "Am I…am I bleeding?" He looked at his hand, "Is there blood? Am I bleeding?"

Mercedes rolled her eyes and sighed, "Boys can't do anything right." She calmly walked over to Kurt and said, "Boy, if you don't get your scrawny little white ass out of bed, a Tussin overdose will be the least of your problems!" She looked at Puck, Finn, Sam, and Mike. "One of you boys get over here!"

Mike ran over to Mercedes. He lifted Kurt and carried him over his shoulder. "Come on." He told him.

Kurt started kicking and screaming.

"I am so turned on right now." Brittany said.

Tina then said, "Anyone else realize he's only wearing boxers?"

"He's giving me needs…" Brittany sighed.

"How about we get him some clothes…"

"I don't want to wear anything!" Kurt screamed.

"I agree." Brittany added, "Kurt doesn't need any clothes. He's really turning me on now."

Santana and Artie both gave Brittany a strange look.

"What? He's adorable and has really soft baby hands."

Finn then thought of something. "Kurt! If you put on some clothes…uh….it'll be harder for….uh….THE COWS TO EAT YOUR INTESTINES!"

"Good point." Kurt stopped punching Mike's back.

Mercedes opened Kurt's closet, "Do you want your Burberry sweater?"

"Power Ranger's Pajamas!" Kurt demanded, "POWER RANGERS PAJAMAS!"

"What?" Rachel sounded confused.

Mercedes searched through Kurt's drawers. She pulled out a T-Shirt that said _"Mighty Morphin Power Rangers"_ and had a picture of each Ranger on it.

Finn gasped, "Those are the coolest things I have ever seen."

"Where did you get them?" Asked Sam.

"I need to get me a pair." Added Artie.

Puck was in awe, "That shirt is so badass."

Mike put down Kurt, "They're amazing."

"Okay," Santana sounded annoyed, "We all know you all have a flaming crush on Kurt."

Kurt slipped on the T-Shirt and put on the pants.

He began punching the air and shouted, "GO! GO! POWER RANGERS!"

"This is strange…." Quinn sighed.

Kurt lifted Frank off of his bed. In a flash, he ran out of the room.

"Where'd he go?" Artie asked.

"Mike?" Tina asked her boyfriend, "Why did you put him down?"

"How else was he supposed to get his clothes on?" Mike defended himself.

"Come on," Mercedes groaned, "Let's go find him."

"But what if he's dead?" Finn panicked, "I'M A MURDERER!"

"He's not dead." Quinn rubbed Finn's back, "I'm sure of it."

Rachel gave Finn and Quinn _The Evil Look of Evilness_®. Yes, it's a registered trademark. _"Finn and Quinn." _Rachel thought, _"You can't even smoosh their names together right! Fuinn sounds idiotic!"_

Mercedes walked out of the room. The others followed.

"Kurt?" They all called out.

"Frank?" Brittany called out, "Frank? Where are you?"

They followed Mercedes down the stairs.

"Shh!" Mercedes shushed the teens, "Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Shh!"

Suddenly, there was a faint noise of singing. _"I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back at forth! I whip my hair back and forth!"_

"Is that…Kurt?" Asked Rachel.

"_Frank! The submarine is sinking!"_

"It's him." Mercedes groaned.

The noise was coming from the kitchen. The teens followed the sound.

There was Kurt. He was sitting on the kitchen floor. Frank was in one arm

and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos in the other.

"Kurt," Said Mercedes, "We gotta go to the doctors. Put down the chips and come with us."

"No!" Crumbs were falling out of his mouth. Kurt then threw a Dorito as if it were a Ninja Star.

Santana rolled her eyes. She walked over to Kurt and yanked his left leg. She began to drag him across the room. "Porcelain, nobody wants to see you dead. We're going to the doctors, whether you like it or not."

"Let me go!" Kurt screamed, he kicked his other leg.

"Kick me and I'll cut you." Santana threatened, "Remember? I have razor blades in my hair."

Kurt started screaming bloody murder, "LET GO OF ME!"

Santana ignored Kurt's screams. She continued to drag him out of the kitchen. She handed him to Finn. "Carry your brother."

Finn slung Kurt over his shoulder.

As they walked out the door, Kurt started screaming. "Finn Hudson! Put me down this instant! So help me God, I will rip your head off and feed it to the Llamas who live in the sky!"

"Sorry, dude."

"ASSAULT!" Kurt screamed, "He's assaulting me!"

The neighbors stared at the brothers. Mrs. Lorne, of next door, peered through the picket fence. She was quite nosy.

"Call the cops, Frank!" Kurt cried, "911! 911!"

"Kurt!" Mercedes snapped, "You're making a scene!"

Finn placed Kurt inside the van and put on his seatbelt.

Kurt's phone went off. _Teenage Dream_ busted out of the speakers.

"Hello?" Kurt asked.

"_Hey, are you okay?"_ It was Blaine.

"Oh…" Kurt groaned, "Blake…right?"

"_How do you forget my name?"_

"Frank has blinded me with love. He's promised to protect me from the cows. And he's a Starship Ranger. That tops Warbler all the way."

"_Isn't Frank a toy?"_

"NO!" Kurt yelled, "He's more real than you will ever be!"

* * *

"I'm sorry, Kurt." Blaine spoke softly into the phone.

"_Frank's hotter than you. Waaay…hotter. Like a macadamia nut on the back of an alpaca hot."_

"Oookaaay?"

Ellie stared up at Blaine with her stalker glare. She grabbed the phone out of Blaine's hand.

"Hi!" She angrily spoke into the phone, "Blaine's with me now!"

Blaine gave a facial expression that would be described as, _"Whut?"_

"We're madly in love!"

"_Well Frank and I are even more madly in love!"_

Ellie then fell into a trance. Her eyes began to glow and a deep voice began to speak out of her mouth, _"You will be brutally killed by a harpy and an undermining government cow."_

"_YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOU!"_ Kurt screamed from the other end, _"NOT YOU AGAIN!"_

"What the hell?" Blaine asked. He had no clue what this psychotic girl was saying.

"Blaine and I are going to get married!"

"_Frank and I are getting married on the island of Unicorns wearing Uniforms! SUCK IT BITCH!" _Kurt hung up.

"What the hell was that?" Blaine sounded angry. "That was my boyfriend! He's sick! Why did you say that we were getting married and he was going to be brutally killed by a harpy and an undermining government cow?"

"Because it's true!" Ellie said in a sing-song voice. "Wanna know a secret?"

Blaine rolled his eyes. "I don't care."

"I can see…the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuture!"

Blaine rolled his eyes, "Amazing…"

"I know, right?"

"Whatever…"

"I'm the Oracle…."

"That's great…"

"And you're a demigod!"

"Awesome….wait…what?"

"A demigod!"

"Pfft! Yeah…that's so great…" He clearly didn't believe her. Even though she was definitely telling the truth.

"I know, right?"

"Whatever….." Blaine couldn't wait for this bus ride to be over. All he wanted was to see his boyfriend. That was all he wanted.

* * *

**A/N: **Soooooo….? Like it? Love it? Hate it? Want to feed it to the undermining government cows? Leave a review. They're always nice.

Since Blaine is a demigod….who is his godly parent?

Know who Ellie is now?

Will Kurt ever get to the doctors?

Who will he run into there?

And all that jazz.

UH DURR DURR DURR! Ohh… the Umbridge laugh…

Thanks :)


	8. Ninja Whiplash Time

**A/N:** This is a short chapter. It was pretty much a filler for later events to come.

In this chapter:

A new character is introduced!

Who could it be?

Karofsky?

Sue Sylvester?

Jesse St. James?

Mistah Shooooooo?

Commander Up?

WHO KNOWS?

Well, you'll just have to read to find out!

I just wanna say that you readers are so awesome!

**Disclaimer: **Don't own glee. If I did it would be called "Kurt 'n Friends"

* * *

**Ninja Whiplash Time**

"NYAAAAAAAAAH!" Kurt screamed, "How does that girl keep finding me? Rachel Elizabeth Dare, Imma shoot you up with my laser vision." He placed Frank in an upright position, "And Frank's gonna give you his ninja whiplash!"

"Who is Rachel Elizabeth Dare?" Finn asked, "I know it's not our Rachel 'cause our Rachel's last name is Berry...right?"

"Wow." Rachel said in a monotone voice, "Finn..."

"Wait..." Brittany thought for a moment, "Did she make you run down the street naked? 'Cause someone dared me to do that once..."

"She can see..." Kurt looked around and whispered, "The ..."

"Pfft!" Santana laughed, "And my shoes can travel back in time."

"Lord Tubbington can travel back in time." Brittany added, "We got to meet Little Foot from the Land Before Time."

"She's the..." Kurt gasped, "Orrrrraaaaaaaccccclllllleeeee..."

"Lord Tubbington needs to quit smoking." Brittany sighed, "I don't want him to get lung cancer."

"What's an Oracle?" Finn asked.

"It's one of those cookies with cream in the middle." Brittany answered.

"Britt," Santana corrected the blonde, "That's an Oreo."

"Ohh..."

"We're here." Mercedes parked the van.

"NOOOOOOO!" Kurt screamed, "They're gonna pull out my intestines!"

"Come on Kurt." Sam sighed, "We don't want you dying or anything."

Kurt slapped Sam.

"Ow!"

"Don't touch me, Trouty Mouth!" He yelled, "Imma melt your shoes!" Kurt squinted his eyes as if he had laser vision. But, no lasers shot out.

Everyone looked confused.

"Oh no!" Kurt cried, "I'm broken!"

Frank then said to Kurt, "Want me to Ninja Whiplash their asses?"

Kurt nodded. He threw Frank straight at Sam and screamed, "NINJA WHIPLASH!"

Frank bounced off of Sam and landed on the concrete.

"NOOOO!" Kurt screamed, "Your Trouty Mouth is too powerful!"

"Boo," Mercedes sighed, "Get out of this van or I'm gonna knock you into next week."

"Never!" Kurt held on to the seat.

Puck grabbed Kurt's legs and began pulling.

"This is a great view." Frank said to Kurt from the ground.

"Let me go, Puckerman!" Kurt screamed.

Puck slung Kurt over his shoulders. He began kicking and screaming.

"Come on, Hummel." Puck sighed, "Calm down."

"I will not be silenced!" Kurt shrieked.

As they all walked into the waiting room, they were getting strange looks from people.

Kurt saw something on the ground, "Ooooh! Trucks!" He jumped off of Puck and rushed over to the bucket of toys. He took out a Barbie doll, few matchbox cars and a Tonka truck. He placed Frank in the truck. "Now you are riding in style!"

"That's my truck!" Someone yelled. Kurt turned his head. Standing in front of him was a kid with a bowl haircut. He looked around seven.

"No!" Kurt yelled at the kid, "It's Frank's!" He pushed Frank back and forth in the truck.

The kid began to pull the truck away from Kurt, "It's mine!"

"That boy's tryin' to steal my ride!" Frank told Kurt, "Imma Ninja Whiplash him!"

"FEEL THE WRATH OF FRANK THE DOLPHIN!" Kurt yelled at the kid.

"Go Frank!" Brittany cheered.

"Sit down, Britt." Santana sighed.

Kurt then slapped the kid across the face with Frank.

The kid started to cry. "Mommy! That mean boy hit me!"

A woman approached Kurt, "How dare you strike an innocent boy like that!" She slapped him in the face.

"FEEL FRANK'S WRATH!" Kurt threw Frank at the woman. Frank bounced off, back into Kurt's arms.

"Kurt Hummel?" A voice said, "The doctor is ready to see you..."

* * *

"You're a really hot demigod..." Ellie...or should we now say, Rachel Elizabeth Dare, drooled.

"Whatever." Blaine rolled his eyes.

"You're hot like the sun," Drool dripped from her mouth onto Blaine's shirt, "Which your dad pulls across the earth."

"I have a freaking boyfriend!" Blaine yelled, "And I'm not a freaking demigod!"

"You are mine now Blaine, son of Apollo..."

"Stop drooling on me, you freak!"

"You have me..." She gave a creepy smile, "It's too bad your boyfriend is going to get mauled by a harpy and have his intestines digested by undermining government cows."

Blaine looked at her like she was crazy, which indeed she was.

"You can come with me to Camp Half-Blood! We can live happily ever after and get killed by monsters together!"

Blaine put his hand on his forehead. He prayed with all of his heart that this bus ride would be over soon.

* * *

As Kurt was escorted out of the waiting room, someone else walked in.

A teenager with swirly brown hair was holding hands with a six year old girl.

"Come on Jaz, you'll be fine." He smiled at the child.

"No, Uncle Jesse!" She squealed, "They're gonna take out my intestines!"

"Uncle Jesse?" Rachel whispered to herself. She put down her magazine. Her eyes widened. It was him! It was that traitor!

Jesse St. James.

* * *

**A/N:** Love it? Like it? Hate it? Wanna shred it to bits and sprinkle it on your salad? Leave a review and let me know!

And also…..bet you didn't see that coming! Or did you? You probably saw it coming.

Anyways….please review!


	9. Something You Didn't Expect AN

**A/N:** Ohh…me so sorry. This is an AUTHOR'S NOTE!

You were probably expecting a new chapter and you were probably like, _"Look! A new chapter!" _and now you're probably like _"What the (__insert word of choice here__) !"_

I also want to say something. I RESPECT EVERYONE'S OPINION. Yes, this story has no plot. Yes it's cracky. Yes, it is completely and utterly stupid. I know. I'm the one who wrote this flying piece of **S**ugar **H**oney **I**ced **T**ea. I understand that it leads to nothing so far.

I didn't think so many people would read this thing. I'm sorry! Gawd. People!

Sorry about my rant…..I'm trying to respect peoples opinions about this….okay?

I like ranting :D

Also, I have been having a humongous writers block! I'm sorry! I just feel really bad for not updating! Me so sorry!

And I have Regents this and next week so….yeah….

I've been trying to write a new chapter….I just can't for some reason. My mind is blocked.

Erin is sorry.

You can feed this to an alpaca if you want to :)

~Erin


	10. At the Doctor's

**A/N:** Okay. I just HAD to update. Why? The Klaine plates have given me courage. THE KLATES GAVE ME COURAGE. !

Sorry. I'm a bit hyper now.

This chapter might suck but whatever. I don't even care.

I have COURAGE.

C-O-U-R-A-G-E

Okay, I'll stop stalling.

And we have reached 200 reviews! PARTY!

**Disclaimer: **I don't on Glee…blah blah blah blah blah….

* * *

The bus stopped.

"Praise the lord." Blaine muttered to himself. He got out of his seat and was now walking down the aisle. The creepy girl was following him.

Blaine walked out of the bus. As the creepy girl walked out, the door closed and crushed her. She cringed. The bus drove away.

"Yes!" Blaine screamed excitedly. People were staring oddly at the dapper young fellow.

Blaine ignored the people. He took out his cell phone and called Rachel.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"_Hi! Is this Lord Tubbington?"_ A voice asked on the other end. It was definitely not Rachel.

"Brittany?" Blaine sounded confused.

"_Lord Tubbington, your voice is much more dapper than usual. Have you been taking steroids?"_

"Brittany, it's Blaine."

"_Oh. Hi Blaine!" _Brittany told him, _"Why do you have Lord Tubbington's cell phone?"_

Blaine rolled his eyes. Classic Brittany. "Brittany, this is my phone.'

"_Oh."_

"Wait, why do you have Rachel's phone?"

"_Rachel's like…..frozen. And she's like drooling. I think it's because the guy who through baby chicken houses at her just walked in. that's my guess."_

"Riiiiiight…." Blaine sounded uneasy. "How's Kurt?"

"_Some lady slapped him in the face."_

"Why?"

"_Because Frank slapped her kid in the face."_

"Who is this Frank?"

"_The most magical, amazing, awesome, cool dolphin ever."_

Dolphins are gay sharks to Brittany. "Is he supermegafoxyawesomehot?"

"_Actually, he's SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT."_

All capitals? This guy must be impressive. "So, where are you guys?"

"_At the Doctor's."_

"And where is that?"

"_I don't know. I'll ask Rachel." _Brittany said, _"Rachel? Rachel? Rachel? Rachel?"_

Blaine looked at the imaginary watch on his wrist.

"_She won't answer me. She keeps drooling and stuff like that."_

"I'll call someone else…"

"_Okay! Tell Lord Tubbington to pick up some milk at the store! Bye Blaine!"_

"Bye…" Blaine ended the call. Maybe he should call Mercedes.

* * *

"Rachel?" Brittany asked, "Are you afraid he's going to throw baby chicken houses at you again?"

"Asdfghjlkdfhkl." Rachel's mouth was like drooling and foaming as if she had rabies or something.

Jesse St. James turned around, bringing his awesome swirly hair with him.

Santana then said, "Berry, you better watch your back."

Jesse randomly took out a mirror. He began to look at his fantastic reflection. He sat down with his niece and picked up the newest issue of _Swirlyhead Weekly_ off of the shelf.

"You think they have _Cat Fancy_ here?" Brittany asked.

Santana grabbed an issue of _Cat Fancy_ out of an old lady's hand.

"That was my magazine, you hooligan!" The oldy lady yelled. She was angrily fistpumping.

"I don't care." Santana hands the magazine to Brittany, "Here Britt."

"Thanks, San!"

"These cats are so fancy." Brittany sighed, "Look! This one's eating fancy feast! And this one's wearing a little kitty bowtie!" Brittany then gasped, "IT'S KITTY KURT!"

People were staring at her strangely.

"He'd be a cute little kitten."

* * *

"When will it wear off, doctor?' Mercedes asked Dr. Jameson.

Dr. Jameson looked at his imaginary watch, "It could be an hour….it could be a day….who knows?"

Kurt was playing with cotton swabs that he took off of the shelf.

"It's all my fault." Finn sighed.

"Yes it is." Mercedes agreed.

"I like waffles." Kurt said.

"That's great, Boo."

"They're better than pancakes."

"Okay."

"Tacos are good too."

"We know."

They hoped this would wear off soon.

* * *

**A/N: **It's short. Whatever.

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna punch it in the face?

Leave a review.

Thanks :)


	11. A Forgetful Dapper Young Fellow

**A/N: **Why hello there! How you doin'?

Okay. Here is a fair warning to my fabulous readers.

**WARNING: **While Erin was writing this chapter, quite a few Harry Potter commercials were heard in the background.

Just letting y'all know :P

It's an UPDATE! Let's all do the update dance!

Actually I'm kidding….unless you want to do the update dance….

Okay…now I'm just being random…. THE SOY BEANS ARE DOING THINGS TO MY BRAIN!

Okay. I'll stop and get on with the story.

**Disclaimer: **When I rule the world I'll plant flowers and own Glee. But right now I don't rule the world. Therefore I don't own Glee.

* * *

"I like apples." Kurt said to Mercedes as he followed her and Finn to the waiting room.

"That's great." Mercedes sighed.

"But Frank likes oranges! Oranges!" Kurt yells, "What if our taste in fruit make our relationship crumble?"

Mercedes rolled her eyes.

Finn looked confused, as he usually did. "Dude, I'm confused." See? I told you he was confused. Did I call that or what?

"Finn," Kurt sighed, "This is too mature for you to understand."

Finn sighed. Even Tussin Overdosed!Kurt's words were as hurtful as normal!Kurt's.

As they walked into the waiting room, their friends were each doing something different.

Quinn was muttering something about _Prom Queen._

Puck and Artie were having an arm-wrestling match. Surprisingly, Artie was winning.

Sam had apparently found some Star Wars action figures and was having the time of his life.

Tina was staring at Artie while Mike was explaining something about a specific dance move.

Brittany was looking through an issue of _Cat Fancy._ Santana was sitting next to her. She looked all hot and bothered.

And Rachel….well she was staring with her mouth open (She was drooling too) at some beautiful hunk of man with amazing hair like that delicious, swirly frosting on a cupcake. You know, the kind you get at a bakery?

"It's they guy with the cupcake hair that threw eggs at Rachel!" Kurt whispered.

"Holy crap spread onto toast with a butter knife." Finn muttered under his breath.

Kurt started to approach Jesse St. Awesome hair.

"What are you doing?" Mercedes asked Kurt.

"Giving that guy a piece of my mind!" Kurt clutched Frank tightly and came over to Jesse.

Jesse turned his head to Kurt, "Can I help you?"

"I have something to say!" Kurt waved his finger.

"Hey…" Jesse remembered, "You're that kid in New Directions."

"Yeah…now I have something to say-" He is cutoff by Jesse.

"Is Rachel here?"

"Yeah, Right over there. But-"

Jesse began to walk over to Rachel.

Kurt then whispered to Frank, "He just mad my list."

"It's the baby chicken house thrower." Brittany whispered to Rachel, who was still drooling.

* * *

Blaine was thinking about something as he walked down the sidewalk.

He wasn't thinking about Courage or The Pips or How awesome Kurt would look in a tank-top. This time he was thinking about something different.

He was thinking about this Frank character. Brittany said he was SUPERMEGAFOXYAWESOMEHOT! In all capitals. ALL CAPITALS!

"_Okay Anderson, just get a hold of yourself!"_ Blaine thought.

Was this Frank guy as dapper as Blaine. Maybe even…dare I say it….MORE DAPPER?

Nah! Nobody is as dapper as Blaine Anderson!

He is Blaine Freakin' Warbler! A totally awesome, charismatic, dapper young fellow. An amazing singer and a true Gryffindor at heart.

But what if Frank was a Slytherin? A suave, silky, smooth Slytherin? Well, Blaine just couldn't compete with that!

Blaine was frustrated! What if this Frank tried to steal Kurt away?

Le Gasp! What if _he_ was telling Kurt to have _Courage?_

Where was the furniture to dance on at a time like this?

Blaine took out his phone and looked through his contacts. Maybe he should call Mercedes. He clicked her name and clicked call.

He waited for her to answer.

"_Hello?"_

"Mercedes!" Blaine exclaimed.

"_What is it, Blaine?"_

"Where's the doctor's office?"

"_753 Oak Street."_

"Thanks!" Blaine hangs up on her.

Blaine must win his man back! Or he'll never get to see him in a tank-top!

Blaine began to search his pockets.

"Wand….wand…where's my wand?" He whispers.

No wand.

He smacked his forehead. Apparently, Blaine left his wand back at Dalton.

I guess he can't apparate to save his man. He'll have to walk…like all the normal people do….

Le Sigh.

* * *

_**Meanwhile at the Dalton Academy of Awesomeness a.k.a. HOGWARTS**_

"Why are we looking through Blaine's stuff?" Nick asks Jeff, innocently.

"Because he stole my Butterfinger." Jeff answered as he continued to dig through a pile of their Dapper friend's possessions.

"Can't you just buy another candy bar?"

Jeff got a bit defensive, "Hey! Nobody lays a finger on my Butterfinger! Okay?"

"Got it." Nick finds something on the ground. "What's this?" In his hand is a stick.

"I think that's Blaine's wand."

"Why would he leave his wand in his dorm?"

Jeff shrugs. "Lemme see…"

"No! I found it!"

Nick and Jeff began to fight over Blaine's wand.

"It's mine!"

"No, it's mine!"

All of a sudden…..SNAP! The stick snaps in half.

"Holy crap spread on whole wheat toast with a butter knife." The two say in unison.

Jeff throws it at Nick, "It's yours!"

* * *

**A/N: **Like it/ Love it? Hate it? Wanna Stupefy it? Leave a review.

We all knew that Dalton was actually Hogwarts. DUUUUHHHH!

Thanks for reading :D


	12. The Arguement Over Flawless Hair

**A/N: **Guise. I decided to update. I'm on like a Broadway high and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I've been looking up quality Broadway tickets at discount prices and I found some awesome deals….

Like $30 and under awesome.

Also, as I type this I am listening to the _Avenue Q _soundtrack.

_Schadenfreude _is like my song. I loves it so much.

Okay…my Theatre-Geekiness is showing….

On another note…..WHY THE FLAPDOODLE ARE SO MANY HELICOPTERS FLYING SO CLOSELY OVER MY HOUSE?

Okay. So all you guys are so awesome. This story has over 230 reviews and I'm just confused about that.

_SCHADENFREUDE! SCHADENFREUDE! _Sorry….I'm listening to that song and it's just ever so catchy.

**DISCLAIMER! DISCLAIMER!: **I don't own Glee.

* * *

"Why did you break Blaine's wand?" Jeff looked at Nick very sternly.

"WHA?" Nick was a bit defensive, "You're the one who broke it!"

"Oh dear Nicky….you're the criminal mastermind, not me."

Nick sighed and shook his head, "Jeff, we both broke it."

"You broke it more!"

"No! You did!"

Jeff looked very serious, "You were planning earlier about how you were going to break Blaine's wand…"

"What?"

"I peeked at your notes and saw you writing down your master plan."

"No!"

"You're just in denial…."

"Are you on something, Jeff?"

"How dare you accuse me of such a thing!" Jeff gasped.

Nick groaned. "Okay…now how are we supposed to fix this thing?"

Jeff then thought of a bright idea, "DUCT TAPE! It fixes everything, you know!"

"Where are we going to get duct tape?"

Jeff then randomly pulls out a roll of duct tape.

"Where did you— I don't even wanna know…"

Jeff grabs the wand and wraps the duct tape around it. "Blaine won't even notice!"

* * *

"Rachel." Jesse gasped as he looked at his ex, "God, you look amazing."

Rachel then snapped out of her drooling. And smiled.

Kurt ran over to his friend. "Rachel! His beautiful hair is casting a spell on you! Don't listen to him!"

Jesse flipped his awesome hair in slow motion and turned to Kurt, "Kirk, right?"

"No…it's Kurt."

"Whatever, Chris."

Kurt turned to Rachel again. "He threw eggs at you! Remember the eggs! The eggs!"

Brittany then piped up, "That left the baby chickens homeless…."

"Right you are, Brittany!" Kurt nodded.

"But his hair is so cool." Brittany sighed.

"Yeah," Sam agrees, putting down the Star Wars action figures, "How do you get it like that?"

"Well," Jesse explains, "I use quality name-brand salon shampoo. I wash rinse and repeat—" He is interrupted by Kurt.

"We all know your hair is awesome, but none of us really care!"

Mike raised his hand and said, "I kinda do…"

"I don't care!" Finn agreed with his stepbrother. "Jesse may have some of the best hair on the face of the planet, but he still threw eggs at Rachel! And betrayed us all!"

"Preach." Said Artie.

Santana rolled her eyes and then looked at Finn, "We all know you just don't want Swirlyhead here getting in Rachel's pants."

Quinn then gave Finn the most evil death stare of evil.

"Because Jesse is a douche!" Finn yelled a bit to loudly.

A random kid then started crying.

Kurt then turned to the kid, "Did we ask for your opinion?"

"You sound like a girl." The kid snapped.

"Well….so do you!"

The kid had a blank expression on her face and said, "I am a girl."

"Your point?"

"You're a boy!"

"I know what I am!"

Jesse turned to Kurt, "Hey! Kevin! Don't talk to me niece like that!"

"My name is not Kevin!"

"I hope you get eaten by undermining cows!" The girl tells Kurt.

Kurt then said, "Well, I hope you get eaten by a Dapper Young Fellow!"

"I hope you get eaten by a Dapper Young Fellow!"

"Ohh….he tried alright…" Kurt says, "Butter is not moisturizer!"

"Can we get back to the conversation about my hair?" Jesse asks.

Finn looked confused, "What? No!"

Puck then slowly raises his hand says, "I also kinda wanna know how he gets his hair like that…."

"Why?"

Puck shrugged.

"His hair is douchey!"

"I disagree with that statement." Rachel pipes up.

"His hair is better then average hair." Quinn sighs, flipping through her magazine.

"Can we please stop talking about Jesse's hair!"

Jesse flipped his hair in slow motion. "It's physically impossible to stop talking about my hair."

Finn groans.

* * *

Blaine's stomach was growling as he walked the sidewalks of Lima.

He hadn't had anything to eat since yesterday! Yesterday!

He just saw a mailman pass him by…..

He's probably not expecting a dapper young fellow to eat him…doodlee doodlee doo….

* * *

**A/N: **Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna have a dapper young fellow eat it?

Leave a review and let me know.

Thanks :)


	13. Canniblaine Vs The Mailman Mafia

**A/N: **My dear readers. The only reason I am writing this chapter today is because writing calms me down.

I am NOT in a good mood.

Frankly, I'm annoyed.

Today, I went school shopping. While shopping, my little sister found a bottle of sunblock and decided to spray it ALL OVER MY BACK. She almost ruined my favorite shirt!

She hasn't stopped bothering me since and I am so annoyed.

So that's why I'm in a bad mood.

BUT I got this Glee backpack. It has cassette tapes all over it and it looks awesome. One of the tapes said: _"KURT'S DANCE GROOVES"_. Made me smile.

So anyway. Enjoy the newest installment in the piece of crap that I call _Fashionably Ill._

Btw. I wrote the song that Blaine sings.

**Disclaimer: **I don't on glee. Kay? But I own the song Blaine sings.

* * *

"_What is that in__toxicating smell?  
__A smell that I only s__mell in my dreams?  
__That beautiful smell!  
__Oh, how it soothes the soul!  
__It's smells even good enough…..  
__To eat!"_

You hear singing….don't you? Well, that singing was coming from the mouth of our favorite dapper young fellow. He sang as he hid in the bushes and stalked the mailman.

The mailman, his name was Lionel, started looking around. He heard dapper singing….but he didn't know where it was coming from. Must be his imagination.

"_I need some….__Blood and guts!  
__Yeah, blood and guts!  
__Oh yes, I'd be overjoyed!_

_Blood and guts!  
__They're my sick obsession!  
__And one of the various reasons  
__Why I am unemployed!"_

"What was that sound?" Lionel the mailman asked. He then said, "Why am I talking to myself? Only crazy people talk to themselves. And I for one, am not crazy! Not crazy at all! Right? Right."

Blaine rattled the bushes to peer at his kill. He really wished he could find some furniture to dance on, though.

"_I used to work at McDonald's!  
__But I got hungry on Kid's Night!  
__Oh dear old Ronald, he was  
__Handing out balloons!  
__And it boosted up my hunger  
__Yes, that's right!_

_My mouth would start to water  
__Oh, it was such a bother  
__And I couldn't control  
__My cannibalistic urges!  
_

_So I led the clown to  
__The men's bathroom!  
__With a lovely song  
__And a lap dance!"_

Lionel was now über-confused. "Did I just hear someone sing about giving Ronald McDonald a lap dance?"

"No." Blaine answered. He was standing behind the mailman. In his hand was a can of sprayable butter. Except it wasn't real butter. It was that fake crap.

"What?" Lionel looked at Blaine. "Who are you? Why do you have a can of spray able butter?"

Blaine started singing again.

"_So I trapped him in a butter web!  
__Oh, that clown was ever so confused  
__I started to nibble, I started to gnaw  
__And dear Ronnie's blood would draw!"_

Lionel interrupted. "Why are you singing?"

Blaine then continued to sing,

"_Because I feel like singing!  
__Do you have a problem with that?  
__You exuberant smelling mailman, you?"_

"I find it awkward."

"_Let me finish my song!  
__So then I can eat you!"_

"Fine…..wait…what?"

"_And that is how I got fired!"_

"You're going to what now?"

"_Spray pretend butter all over you!  
__And preheat my oven to 350!"_

"You're insane!"

"_That may be so!  
__I'm quite insane!  
__But I'm hungry!"_

Lionel then stared at Blaine and yelled, "Please leave! I have mail to deliver!"

"_BLOOD AND GUTS!"_

Blaine stopped singing. He then told the mailmen, "But I have to eat you!"

Lionel gave Blaine the signature _Mailman Stare 'o Death_®. Why yes. It is a registered trademark. "Do you really want me to get the Mailman Mafia on you?"

Blaine laughed. "The Mailman Mafia doesn't exist! Everyone knows it's just an Urban Legend!"

"Really?" Lionel blew his whistle. About a dozen other mailman appeared behind him, out of thin air.

Blaine was wide-eyed. He grinned. "MORE SNACKS!"

"Fool!' Lionel shouted, "This is the Mailman Mafia!"

"The Mailman Mafia doesn't exist!" Blaine argued, "They look like my Dad's buddies from the Lodge or something!"

An elderly member of the Mailman Mafia stepped forward. "Listen youngster!" He yelled, spraying spit as he talked. "No one messes with the LoEM."

"What's the _LoEM?"_

"The League of Extraordinary Mailmen."

"But I'm hungry!" Canniblainers whined.

"Well tough parcels!"

Parcel? Was that like a package or something? Blaine didn't know.

Blaine began to spray the Mafia with his can of butter.

"I'm allergic to artificial butter!" One of the mailmen screamed. He started to melt.

Blaine then jumped at the melting mailman.

Blood and guts flew everywhere.

* * *

"Does anyone have a video camera?" Brittany asked.

Everyone else was watching Finn and Jessie, the man with the magical locks, roll on the ground and fight.

"Why do you need a video camera, Britt?" Tina asked.

"I wanna put this on Fondue For Two."

"My phone takes pretty good video." Mike said. Handing the phone to Brittany.

Brittany turned on the video feature and began to record. "Hey. It's Brittany. And we're at a doctor's office place. That's my dolphin friend Kurt, over there. He's holding his dolphin lover, Frank."

Kurt waved to the camera. He then said to Frank, "Frank, be polite and say hi."

"_No."_ Frank answered Kurt.

"Why not?"

"_I don't do Televised Broadcasts."_

"This is Brittany's Webshow."

"_I don't do internet shows. They make me look like a Squatch."_

"You're not a Squatch, Frank."

"_Finn's a Squatch."_

"Yeah a little bit."

Brittany turned the camera to Mike and Tina. "Say hi to the camera!"

The two waved.

Puck looked confused. "Shouldn't you be videoing the dumbasses rolling on the floor?"

"Oh yeah." Brittany began to film Finn and Mr. Amazing Hair.

* * *

**A/N: **Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna feed it to Canniblaine? Leave a review and let me know.

I enjoyed writing this chapter. I hope you enjoyed reading it.

Thank you!


	14. Ha Ha Ha Ha Stayin' Alive, Stayin' Alive

**A/N: **What up? The sky maybe…..LOOK! A FLYING BAGEL!

Today is the week of awkward for me. Today I had Freshman Orientation…..and BOY WAS THAT AWKWARD! But I signed up for clubs and stuff.

And I have the Freshman Boatride on Friday. More awkward for Erin!

Okay…enough about my troubles.

La la la

Okay. As I write I'm listening to my variety of Showtunes that I love dearly. Showtunes put me in an awesome mood! Unless they're like the really sad ones like from Les Mis, those make me cry.

So enjoy the newest…..strangest….installment of this Fashionably Dapper Story.

HA! It's not Fashionably Dapper! More like a Fashionably Ill Moose.

I'm bringing in another character cuz I wants tah!

**Disclaimer: **I OWN NOTHING! OR DO I? NO, I DON'T!

* * *

Dave Karofsky. Yes, I said Dave Karofsky. He was walking down the street in his normal Dave-like fashion. Step by step. Inch by inch. Checking out random guy's butts. You know, the norm.

I heard a noise. The noise sounded like, _"Om nom nom." _But what or should I say who was making that noise? Well I know, you know, but Dave surely doesn't…..yet.

"_Om nom nom om nom!"_ The voice om nommed. That's how I would describe it. You can't really say that the person who was making the noise was _saying_ it, because he wasn't actually _saying_ it.

Dave looked around. Trying to see where the noise was coming from. North? Up north where Santa Claus live? No. South? South as in South Dakota, where that mountain with the presidents live? Nope. East as like the East Coast? Nope. You can't hear _om nom noms _in the ocean. West? The Wild West? Do cowboys _om nom?_

"_Om nom nommy nom om nom nom."_

"Who's singing _om nom?"_ Dave asked himself out loud.

"I am good sir!" A dapper voice spoke.

Dave looked around. He saw no one.

"Down here!"

Dave looked down. It was a small, bloody, dapper young fellow. Dave recognized it. As the dapper, young fellow recognized Dave.

"KURT NEEDS TO BE SAFE!" He yelled, throwing a suspicious bone at Dave.

"You're that hobbit dude that Kurt brought to school!"

"KURT NEEDS TO BE SAFE!" The hobbit dude threw another bone.

"Me and Kurt are cool now…" Dave picked up the bone. "What kind of bone is this?"

"Mailman."

Dave dropped the bone.

Blaine lifted up a bloody Mailman leg. "Wanna bite?"

Dave shook his head.

"Your loss." Blaine took a big bite out of the leg. "Scrumdiddlyumptious!"

"Okay….Now I'm gonna go…"

Blaine grabbed Dave's leg. "You must help me find Kurt!"

Dave was confused, "Why?"

"Because of the lack of furniture to dance in my surroundings….I have no sense of direction."

"What?"

"Bring me to a table!"

"Huh?"

"A chair would do, as well!"

"What do you mean?"

Blaine was now laying lifeless on the ground. "There's not much time! Furniture is the only thing that can revive my energy!"

Dave was confused. "The only thing?"

"Or someone to sing with! The Warblers aren't around and Kurt's at the doctor!" Blaine coughed, "Sing with me, Dave!"

"Hell no."

"Please?"

"No."

"I'm dying!"

"No."

"Just sing!" Blaine began to turn a variety of colors. From forest green, to purple mountain majesty, to robin's egg blue, to macaroni and cheese. And many other colors from the Crayola crayon box. The one with the cool crayon sharpener.

It was kind of freaking Dave out. He sighed. He looked around. No furniture. Damn it. Dave knew Blaine made Kurt happy. And he kind of liked happy Kurt. Everyone likes happy Kurt. He has to sing.

"_If I don't sing you're gonna die."_

Blaine's eyes lit up. _"I'm gonna die!"_

"_You're gonna die!"_

"_Oh yes I'll die!"_

"_But now you won't!"_

"_Why?"_

"_Because I'm…."_

"_TOTALLY AWESOME!" _Blaine began to rise from the pile of Mailmen carcasses.

"Okay, you're alive now. I'm done singing."

"But we sound so good together!" Blaine told Dave. "Sure, you're not as good as Kurt….but you aren't that bad."

"Thanks?"

"So are you and Kurt like friends now?"

"Not really…."

"But you're not bullying him?"

"I'm not bullying him."

Blaine grinned a bloody smile. "Okay! Then you can come with me and you can totally beat up this Frank character who's putting the moves on my beau."

"What?"

Blaine grabbed Dave's wrist. "Come on!"

Dave was ever so confused.

* * *

"We need some mud." Kurt said. "Frank wants them to be mud wrestling. So do I."

"Lord Tubbington likes mud wrestling." Brittany commented as she recorded Finn and Jesse St. Amazing Locks battle to the death.

Quinn suddenly stood up and began kicking to two fighters. "Stop it!" She yelled, "You guys are making a scene!"

And Quinn was right. Toddlers everywhere were staring.

"And Finn….you are just such an idiot sometimes! I'm having a rough day! Okay?"

Finn was confused….as usual.

Rachel looked at Quinn. "It's my fault, Quinn. I'm sorry."

Quinn shook her head. "I want to blame you, but it's actually not your fault. It's my idiot boyfirend who was your boyfriend but originally my boyfriend and Rapunzel's fault."

"So….you don't hate me?"

"I still hate you…just slightly less."

Rachel's eyes sparkled and she smiled.

Quinn sighed and then told Rachel, "Wanna go get a smoothie or something?"

"Sure!" Rachel got up and followed Quinn out of the doctor's.

"I want a smoothie now." Mike sighed.

"But I want ice cream." Tina said.

"And I want frozen yogurt." Announced Puck.

Then Sam said, "I kind of want raw cookie dough."

"But I want frozen custard." Said Artie.

"I like cupcakes." Brittany told everyone.

"Cupcakes are good." Santana agreed.

"Frank wants raw meat." Kurt said, "And I want an apple on a popsicle stick."

Mercedes then explained, "Guys, there's this place down the street where they have smoothies, ice cream, frozen yogurt, raw cookie dough, frozen custard, cupcakes, raw meat and apples on popsicle sticks. Why don't we just go there?"

Everyone agreed. They followed Mercedes out of the doctor's.

Finn and Jesse were still fighting. Not even noticing they left.

* * *

**A/N: **Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna eat it? Leave a review and let me know.

This chapter took me like almost 3 hours to complete….because I'm slow.

Anyway. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!


	15. The Faint Sound of a Red Crayon

**A/N: **Hey. Hey guys. Guess what.

Sorry for taking like a month to update with a pathetic chapter. I've had school and I was working on a new fic...it's Mer!Klaine sort of...you can read it if you want to...it's called _"Submerged Dreams"_...I just ate some apples..._Today 4 U_ from RENT is stuck in my head...

This story has over 300 reviews.

How in the applesauce did this happen?

Also...my birthday's like on Tuesday...same as Glee night...so yeah...

OINTMENT. That is a fun word to say. SAY IT. SAY IT NOW.

This Fandom makes me laugh. You all KNOW what I mean...just read the first part of this chapter.

This chapter...in my opinion...is pure crap. It truly is. Sorry about that.

My two new favorite characters are Sugar and Gavroche. Don't judge me.

But sadly...they're not in this story. Not yet anyway...durr durr durr durr...

Whatever. Sit back. Relax. And enjoy...if you want to...

**Disclaimer: **DO I LOOK LIKE I OWN GLEE?

* * *

"Dave! Dave! Look at that bird!" Blaine nudged Dave, as they walked along the sidewalk. "I'm going to name him Benjamin!"

Dave was confused. Blaine was acting a bit young. Sure, he was short, but Dave didn't think Blaine acted like this.

"Can I tell you a story?"

"Whatever."

Blaine had a sparkle in his eye. "Okay! So me and Kurt went out to get coffee last week. And they gave me a cup. And I couldn't open it! Do you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"It was childproof! Why would they give me a childproof cup? That is absurd! So I asked Kurt to open it for me. He's really strong."

Dave looked at the ground. He felt a bit awkward.

"OH! And this one time I went over Kurt's house!" Blaine explained, "But Kurt wasn't home! It was just his Dad! I asked if Kurt could come out and play. But, then he hit me over the head in a shovel and I woke up in Mexico."

"Wait….what?"

"I woke up in Mexico."

"How did you know you were in Mexico?"

"Everything was in Spanish…..I think…"

Dave raised his brow. He then asked Blaine the most important question in the history of questions. "How old are you?"

"I'm a big boy."

"How old are you?"

"Umm…five," He paused for a moment, "And a half."

"You're five?"

"And a half!" He then asked, "Do you know where my red crayon went. I lost it the other day and—"

"So, Hummel's a pedo?"

Blaine wasn't paying attention. "I need my red crayon so I can finish the picture I'm drawing for Kurt. I need to color in the red piping on my blazer."

"How the hell are you five years old?" Asked Dave.

"FIVE AND A HALF!"

Dave rolled his eyes. "How the hell are you _five and a half_ years old?"

Blaine shrugged. He then continued with his talk of nonsense. "I color outside the lines because I like to express my creativity."

"Why not just use normal paper?"

"Because then I can't color Timon and Pumbaa."

"You can just _draw_ Timon and Pumbaa."

"It's not the same, David….it's not the same."

Dave looked at the imaginary watch on his wrist. He then looked at a sign. The sign said: _"The Doctor's Office."_

"This must be the place!"

The odd thing was….the sign stood in front of a blue police box. What is a police box? Blaine didn't know…he was only five and a half, after all.

* * *

"Frank's full." Kurt told everyone. He began to lick Frank's pile of raw hamburger meat. "God this is good….."

Everyone looked a bit squeamish…except Brittany.

"Can I try some?"

"Sure!"

Together, the two slurped the heap of uncooked, dead cow.

Santana did not want Brittany kissing her after eating that. Or did she? Did she? Maybe. It was Brittany. Who knows where her mouth is usually?

Artie licked his frozen custard cone. "Is it just me or are Rachel and Quinn over there flirting?"

"Honey," Mercedes sighed, "They've always been flirting."

"Even when Quinn and I where dating?"

Mercedes nodded. "ESPECIALLY when you and her were dating. Well, more so when she was dating Finn."

"I'm thinking about dying my hair pink." Quinn told Rachel, taking a sip of her strawberry smoothie.

"Pink is so your color….I think?" Rachel then shouted to Kurt, "Kurt? Would pink be a good color on Quinn?"

"Most definitely!"

"Yes Quinn," Rachel agreed. "You would look amazing with pink hair."

"Really?"

"Your so pretty Quinn." Rachel got all creepy and bug-eyed, "Prettiest girl I've ever met."

"I know, right?"

Rachel gave a humungous grin and nodded.

"I have the strangest feeling of a red crayon being vacuumed up by a Shop-Vac…." Kurt said a bit quietly.

_*Meanwhile at Gay Hogwarts*_

The maid lady got something clogged in her vacuum cleaner. She pulled a picture off the floor.

It read: _"KURT IS MY BOYFREND. I LOV HIM." _It had a picture of a giant head with arms and legs sticking out of the sides. The head had brown hair and a toothy smile.

She maid lady crumpled it up and threw it into the waste basket. She's a basketball star.

"Damn five year old littering all over the dormitory…." She muttered to herself.

"_FIVE AND A HALF!"_ She heard from a distance.

The maid lady shrugged. She walked out of the dorm.

* * *

**A/N: **Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna vacuum it up?

Leave a review and let me know.

And in the mean time...I'm going to somehow find a way to put Sugar and Gavroche in this story.

There's The Doctor...why not them?

THANK YOU!


	16. The Time Traveling Trio

**A/N:** How long has it been? Like two months? Yeah, it has.

I have been preoccupied with my other writings, for example: Submerged Dreams, cute little oneshots, original stuff, a creepy short story about a boy and a mirror, blah...blah...blah...

In this chapter:

-Rory

-Sugar

-Harmony

-Mentions of Chuck E. Cheese's

-Dad and Other Dad

-Burlap Sacks

-Azkaban

-Giant Invisibility Cloaks

Yes, I had to add Rory, Sugar and Harmony. Why? BECAUSE THEY ARE FROM THE FUTURE.

As you know, this story is pure randomness that comes to my mind in the depths of the night. So you don't need to take any of this chapter seriously...unless you want to. No really, you don't need to take all this seriously.

Because there have been a few readers who have taken this seriously.

By a few I mean one.

By one I mean myself.

**Disclaimer Time: **I seriously don't own Glee and I haven't a clue why you'd think I would.

* * *

"I can't believe we stole this…" Rory hid his face in his hands, "I can't believe we stole this…"

Harmony then spoke, "_We_ didn't steal anything," she quickly glanced at Sugar.

Sugar looked confused, "What?"

"You know what," Harmony put her hands on her hips, "You distracted that Doctor man with multi-colored fezzes and colorful fruit, that's what!"

"And you stole this…" Rory still hid his face in his hands.

"Haven't you ever wanted to travel through time?" Sugar asked the two of them?

Rory shook his head, "Not really."

Harmony shrugged, "Only to go to the opening production of Funny Girl."

Sugar rolled her eyes, "Really?"

"I kind of don't want to change the past and get us killed or anything," Rory told her.

"How about we take a step outside!" Sugar told the two, "Let's see what's outside this big blue thing!"

"It's called a _TARDIS_," Rory corrected Sugar, "A _TARDIS_….that you stole!"

"Rory, we get that she stole it," Harmony said to Rory, "You don't need to say it fifty times."

The door of the _TARDIS_ swung open. Harmony and Rory felt a cool gust of wind.

"SUGAR!" They both yelled in unison, trailing after the girl.

"Are you a doctor?" A voice asked, "Is Kurt in there?"

Standing in front of him was a teenager. Hazel eyes. Unruly dark hair. Geometrically shaped eyebrows. Looked just like his dad. No, this couldn't be his dad. His dad was old and not a teenager. But, then again…they did travel through time.

Rory turned around, his eyes were wide, "Dad?"

Rory's "Dad" looked at a burlier teenager standing next to him, "I didn't know you were a father, David."

"I'm not."

"He's talking to you," Sugar said to him, "Uncle Blaine."

Blaine raised those triangles that lived above his eyes, "I didn't know I was a daddy or an uncle…did I get Kurt pregnant? Because Finn keeps thinking that I did."

Harmony looked at both Rory and Sugar, "Shut up, both of you."

Rory and Sugar shut their traps.

The burlier kid then asked the trio, "Who are you three?"

Harmony raised her eyebrows, "Who are you?"

"I asked first."

"Well," Harmony gave him her bitch face, "I asked second."

"I'm Blaine!" Blaine raised his hand, calling out.

"We know that," Harmony was not amused.

Blaine looked left and right. He then whispered to Rory, "Can she read minds?"

"I have a feeling she can," Rory whispered back. This was so strange, talking to a not old version of his dad. Just too strange.

"That is so awesome," Blaine gasped, "My boyfriend, his name is Kurt, has magical powers…of awesomeness."

"OTHER DAD!" Rory blurted out. Harmony then punched him in the arm.

Sugar looked around, she then looked at the brawny boy, "Did you kidnap my moms?"

Dave raised his eyebrows, "What?"

"Did you stuff them inside a burlap sack?"

"What?"

"Did you ship them off to Azkaban?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I left my wand back at Hogwarts," Blaine sighed, looking towards the ground.

Dave was seriously confused, "Hobbit, you stay with these weirdoes, I'm leaving. Karofsky out!" Karofsky left the perimeter.

Blaine then screamed to the heavens, "NOW WHO WILL HELP ME FIND KURT?"

Rory slowly raised his hand," I'll help you find Other Dad….I MEAN KURT! That's his name right? Pretty sure…"

"Where is this "Kurt" you speak of?" Asked Sugar, "Did someone stuff him in a burlap sack and ship him off to Azkaban?"

"No! Even worse!" Blaine cried, "He's at the doctor's!"

Harmony raised her eyebrows, "And what's so bad about that?"

"I don't know where the doctor's is!"

"That's terrible!" Rory gasped. What if Dad couldn't find Other Dad? That means that Rory would be living in some poor orphanage in Ireland…being forced to eat gruel and potatoes…He could not let that happen! "We'll help you find him!"

"You're the best tall leprechaun I've ever met," Blaine started to become teary, "Can I hug you?"

Rory nodded.

Blaine wrapped his arms around Rory, holding on and never letting go…until Sugar pulled him off.

"Can I hug you?" Blaine asked Sugar.

Sugar shook her head, "You smell like Hobbit."

"Okay," He turned to Harmony, "Can I hug you?"

"Sure?"

Blaine hugged Harmony, "You smell like a strawberry smoothie. I like strawberry smoothies."

Pushing Blaine off of her, "Er…thanks?"

Blaine clasped his hands together, "We can go on a musical adventure! But, what are your names?"

"Sugar."

"Harmony."

"Rory."

"YOU GUYS ARE LIKE THE POWERPUFF GIRLS!" Blaine's eyes were sparkling, "I'm going on a musical adventure with the Powerpuff Girls!"

Rory slowly raised his hand, "I'm a boy…"

"Of course you are, Bubbles…of course you are."

Why was Dad calling him Bubbles?

"TO THE DOCTOR'S!"

* * *

Finn and Jesse were still carpet wrestling. They were pretending they were mud wrestling, though. Finn and Jesse liked using their imaginations. Sometimes they pretended to be ponies or ham and cheese sandwiches.

Jesse then shot up from the ground, "Where did everyone go?"

Finn shot up next, "Did they turn invisible?"

"Silly zombie," Jesse was shaking his head, "You can't just turn invisible, you need an invisibility cloak."

"Oh," Finn sighed, "Do you think that they're under a giant invisibility cloak?"

Jesse shrugged, "Could be."

"Why were we fighting again?"

"Because we have artistic differences."

"We do?"

"I don't know…I'm just making things up."

Finn looked around the room, it was pretty empty, "Do you think we're the last people on Earth? Do you think everyone got eaten by giant Blaines?"

"Maybe…but they're probably partying in his stomach and we're probably missing out."

"Yeah," Finn looked at the ground, "I'm sorry for pushing you on the ground."

"Apology accepted," Jesse then said, "I'm sorry for kicking you in the throat."

"I forgive you," Finn told him, "You're not really much of a douche when Rachel isn't around."

"I know…weird, right?"

"You're a pretty good guy."

"Of course I am," Jesse nodded, "I'm Jesse St. Freaking James."

"Do you want to go to a homestyle family restaurant?" Asked Finn.

"Chuck E. Cheese's?"

"Dude, you totally just read my mind!"

Jesse put his arm around Finn, and they headed out of the doctor's.

Jesse had a grin on his face, "We're going to have the most amazing time! We'll play skee-ball, and that dance game, and we'll take pictures in that photo booth thing."

"And we'll earn enough tickets to get the big pixie stick!"

Then Jesse asked, "Why have we never decided to go to Chuck E. Cheese's together before?"

Finn shrugged, "I don't know."

* * *

"Rachel," Quinn took a sip of her smoothie, "Your hair is really nice, how do you get it so sleek?"

Rachel shrugged, "I use shampoo and conditioner."

Kurt approached Quinn and Rachel, "Guess what?"

"What?" The two girls answered in unison.

"They have coupons for Chuck E. Cheese's up at the cash register!"

"That's great, Kurt," Quinn gave him a fake smile.

"We're going?"

"What?"

"Frank said that we're going to Chuck E. Cheese's!" He looked at the dolphin, "Isn't that right?"

"You better believe it!" Frank told Kurt.

Kurt then shouted at everyone, "WE ARE GOING TO CHUCK E. CHEESE'S!"

Both Sam's and Mike's faces lit up.

Artie shimmied in his wheelchair.

Tina started doing the hustle.

Puck slicked back his mohawk and smiled.

Rachel dragged Quinn along.

"Lord Tubbington loves that place!" Brittany squealed. She grabbed Santana's hands.

"If Britt's in then I guess I'm in."

"WHOOOOOOOOO!" Kurt then fist pumped the air, "We're going to a place where a kid can be a kid!

* * *

Like it? Love it? Hate it? Wanna shove it in a burlap sack and ship it off to Azkaban?

Leave a review and let me know!

Thanks! :D


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